Self-ish

Is being selfish a sin? Like, is it in the 10 commandments, or is it just frowned upon by society - and God? I know it's not always a good thing to be selfish, but I think I've used it more as a survival tactic as opposed to just having it as an unappealing characteristic. The way I see it, in the end, all you have is you really. I have people in my life that I'd like to think I can call on for anything if I ever need it; but the reality is, these people may not always be around or may not be in a position to help me. So how would I get along without their help? By relying on myself. And if I can find a way to do it on my own, why waste their time and have them help me?

Now that's one aspect of the selfishness - the other, not so pretty aspect is the emotional and mental side. When I make a decision, I am the person who has to live every day in and out with that decision. Since I know my emotions run high, I need to make the best decisions for my life so that I can live peacefully. This sometimes means putting myself, my needs, my wants, my feelings before others. Sometimes it works out well for all involved - and sometimes things get messy. This is a chance that I have to be willing to take in order to keep it together on the inside. Recently, I made a mess. It wasn't intentional, but now I see it was selfish. I gambled - and lost. I didn't lose it all, but I lost something I can't get back right away. I will have to work hard to gain it back and part of me (guess which part....the selfish part silly!) doesn't care. the other part of me (the loving caring part) cares deeply and wants to do whatever it takes to get it back.

Now the battle begins. If I let the selfish part of me win, I will eventually lose it all. In the big scheme of things, it's not worth losing everything over this one thing - I am well aware of this. The problem is letting my guard down and becoming vulnerable is not my strongest quality. I can do it, because I can do just about anything I put my mind to - but I just have to build up my emotional and mental reserves in order to get through this. Keep thinking long-term. I might lose the battle, but I'll win the war. I hate trying to be a good person. Ugh.

All Cried Out

He's never seen me cry. In 27 months - not even once. One one hand, it's a good thing. I would take it to mean that he's never done anything to seriously upset me. On the other hand, I know there have been one or two occasions where I fought back tears for the simple fact that I felt like I was being too sensitive.

I used to be a crybaby. My dad used to tease me about it, and I used to feel bad about wanting to cry all the time. Somewhere in my early twenties, I decided that it was ok for me to cry if I felt the need. Shoot - I have feelings and I need to express myself though whatever means necessary! But I think somewhere after the end of my last relationship, I decided it was ok for me to cry alone, but not in front of a man. I know - issues. It should be ok for me to let down my guard in front of the person I love and share my life with, but I just don't want to - not yet anyway. I remember in high school I had a guy friend who I used to chat with and we were cool - nothing romantic. One day we had some email survey and one question asked if we'd ever seen the other person cry. His answer about me was "No - I can't even imagine her crying." Now, at this point, I was still very much a crier; but to hear him say that made me feel like "Wow - I like that. I don't want anybody to picture me crying!"

Since I used to cry so much and have gone back and forth about letting it out or holding it in, I am starting to notice that I have much better control over when the tears come. Even when my eyes get watery, there's a lump in my throat, and I can't look someone in the eye - I know what to do to make it go away before they notice. Once they notice, it's all over and the flood gates shoot wide open. I just think that I've cried so much, I don't waste tears anymore. There are so many problems in the world that sometimes I feel like crying over spilled milk (or chocolate or whatever makes me upset at the moment) is just not worth it. Now I save my crying for movies and commercials that touch me when I'm PMS-ing. Then, it' not even under my control - but I still do it alone.

Holy Roller

So one of my resolutions for 2008 is to find some girlfriends in my new homeland. I know some guys, but sometimes you need a girl to talk to, eat with, party and drink - ya know? And with school starting soon and work being what it is, I know I'll need time to relax every once in awhile, and I can't monopolize all of my boyfriend's time just because he's the closest person to me around here.

So I know one girl, she's the sister of one of my other friends. I've met her twice I think; once we went to lunch and another time dinner - but that was 2 years ago. She seems pretty nice, but I don't know her that well. One thing I do know is she goes to church. Now, I'm not opposed to church, but I think she's pretty active. When I'm around loyal church members, I feel more like a heathen than any other time. I don't know the rules - can we drink? Go to a club and dance? Get smart with each other for fun? I don't know! My sister is a devoted hardcore Christian and I treat her like I would anyone else, but that's because I know her well enough to know that she wasn't always saved and to me, she's still just my sister. But you never know with new people. Is is wrong for me to join a church just to network so I can find some people to hang with - and receive the word of God while I'm there of course :)

See, the only problem with this, is I'm not that faithful of a churchgoer. I like church and all, but I've never gone consistently and honestly, I don't see that happening. But where else can I meet people who are going to want to be sociable and friendly? I'm really about to give up. It's not in my personality to be all that outgoing and proactive about meeting people. I guess it doesn't hurt to try. *sigh* oh boy. Yall better pray for me.

I'm every woman

So yesterday was fun - ok, fun is a bit exaggerated - yesterday was a pretty good day. I woke up feeling good, so that's always a plus. I had a talk with my manager about my career, family, kids, school, just my future in general. I told him more than I've even told my own mother and best friends! But it had to happen that way. I'm an honest person, and if you ask me - most likely I will tell you what you want to know. Now I know how to hold back certain details that may be nunya, but I'll give you the meat and potatoes of it.



So it's funny - during the conversation when we mentioned kids, he said to me "Once you have kids, your career won't mean as much to you anymore - your priorities change." and I had two reactions to this statement. 1.) WTF you mean my career won't matter to me as much!? This is how I plan on financially supporting my family and I want them to want for nothing! I have to be concerned about my career if I want to be able to take care of my dang kids! Don't give me that mess just because I'm a woman!! 2.) You're darn right my career won't matter as much! I already have things in my life NOW that come before my career - so my own flesh and blood kids that come from my loins - - they will most definitely come before this or any other job!! So instead of blurting out either of these thoughts, I just smiled and nodded. He also suggested in a fatherly manner that I finish grad school before having kids - uuh, that's not for another 4 years and I have a plan Sir. See, this is when opening up too much comes back to bite you in the arse. NOW, if I have a baby before I finish school, I'll feel like I let him down. Ultimately I don't care, but I hate that feeling in the interim. All I could think was "Alicia does it!!". I wanted to say that to him, but again - smile and nod.



I was so fired up about being able to accomplish it all, that now I feel I have something to prove. So then, once I got home around 8:00, I wanted to hurry up and make dinner so I could hurry up and relax so I could hurry up and go to sleep (only to hurry up and feel like I am waking up 10 minutes later). Normally my boyfriend takes a shower, I cook, we eat, I take a shower. Last night though, on my hurry up plan, I decided I didn't want to wait - so he jumped in the shower, I started dinner, timed it just right, I jumped in the shower then came back and finished cooking. He just came out the shower when I was saying "dinner's ready!" He looked at me and said "WTF - you Superwoman or something!?"



Smile and nod.

New Post

I'm feeling good. Can't complain. A little crazy - but that's nothing new. Looking forward to this month: my birthday, Christmas, New Year's. '08 should be fun. Funny - I have big plans, and no money. Lol. It always seems to be that way. Oh well - I'll manage.

*EXPLETIVE*

F*CK YOU I HATE YOU SO F&CKIN MUCH I CAN'T STAND YOUR STUPID A$$!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE F^CK UP SOMETIMES!! GOD HELP ME!!! NO - GOD HELP YOU!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU SAY THE THINGS YOU DO SOMETIMES!!! SOMEBODY SHOULD REALLY SHUT YOU UP!!! YOU ARE SO F#CKING LUCKY I DON'T WANT TO SAY SOME OF THE THINGS THAT REALLY COME TO MIND - CUZ YOUR PUNKA*& FEELINGS WOULD GET HURT - PU$#y A%$ B!TCH!!!! F*CK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Ok, I feel better now

To weave or not to weave - that is the question..

I am tired of my hair. I mean, I love it but I'm tired of trying to find new ways to manage it. Plus, I don't know what has happened over the past two or so years, but it is not as healthy and thick as it used to be. I guess that just comes with time and age, but it makes me unhappy.

So now I'm thinking about getting a really nice weave and wearing that for a few months to give my hair a break. What do you think? I mean, I've worn them a couple times in the past for brief periods of time, but I've never been comfortable with sporting anything fake for long periods of time (those are my own personal issues that I have to deal with).

I don't know. I almost feel like I should wait until summer when I really get frustrated, but I want to do it now. Will it cause more damage if I do that - or will it take some of the stress off of my own hair? Man, I don't know. Let me just take some vitamins and shut up.

OK, so even if I don't get a weave, what else can I do? This ponytail has been going on for three weeks now. I am trying to hold off on pressing it until my birthday which is 5 weeks away. I guess I could twist it again - but after that seminar about corporate culture and all that, twists aren't really a "Corporate" look. Ugh - the plight of the black woman.

Well hello there!

Hi Autumn! Nice to see you again. I missed you - a little. No, I'm playing, I did miss you. And maybe it's been so long since I've seen you that I can't remember what you look like. I don't remember you looking like Winter. I mean, I know you are really close so sometimes the more you hang together, you start to pick up each other's traits (like you did with Summer) but still! I mean, why is it freezing? I mean, literally - it's 32 degrees outside right now. OK, sure it's going up to 64 later, but I have a FALL jacket, for FALL weather - not a Winter coat for Fall. That just doesn't make any sense. I guess I'll adjust. I have no choice really. I think you spoiled me a little earlier when it was just so warm that I forgot what cold felt like. And for the first time, I found myself missing Florida. I know nothing compares to being closer to the people I love most - but that warm weather sure gave those folks a run for their money! If only I could convince them all to move down south. No - I am a Northern city girl at heart and could never become a permanent Southern Belle.

Anyway - good to see you. You are by far one of the prettiest seasons, I must say. I didn't get to see that in Florida that's for sure. I hope you stay around for awhile and give me some time before Winter shows up - I need to psychologically and fashionably prepare myself.


By the way - when is the SATC movie coming out? I can't remember and I'm anxious!!

Why?

Why does candy taste better when I eat it from my left hand, but chips taste better when I eat them with my right?

Why do people hear what you say to them, but they don't listen?

Why when I have my own opinion/tastes/values/priorities and just because they are different than yours - they are perceived as wrong?? IT'S MINE, NOT YOURS - DOESN'T EFFECT YOU IN ANY WAY!!!!

Why can't I eat what I want and not gain weight?

Why do I care so much about gaining weight??

Why do they sell stuff that's bad for you, if they know it's bad for you?

Why do we care so much about expensive cars, clothes and jewelry?

Why are people obsessed with celebrities?

Why did they get rid of the BookIt program with Pizza Hut?

Why are people so mean?

Why am I asking these stupid questions?

She's a B*tch....

I feel like being really, really mean today. Let me tell you why. I had a pretty ok weekend, interesting and unpredictable, but I shopped and I had the equivalent of a shopping orgasm so I'm happy. But let me tell you why I'm mad son...I watched Desperate Housewives last night and relaxed, fell asleep between 11:00 pm and 12:00 am - and woke up at 5:00 am. THAT'S WHY I'M MAD! I was so angry when that alarm went off - I don't know if I was angrier that I woke up at 4:53 am and KNEW I only had 7 more minutes, or that I had to wake up at 5:00 am period.

Somebody else won the mega millions jackpot - again. It wasn't me so I'm not happy about that.

At least I have a lot of meetings today so the day should go by fast.

I'm balding on this one spot in my hair, so I decided to try and give my hair a break from scarves and stress but now I have this wack ponytail and it looks dumb. At least I'm cute - today anyway.

Why does my banana look old - I just got it.

I am so looking forward to this weekend it's ridiculous. Why the eff do I have to deal with the rest of the week - can't we just skip right to Friday?

I had a fabulous happy hour on Thursday - I wish I could go out more.

Dang, this coffee is really making me warm.

I wish I cursed more. I wish I could curse at everybody like it was normal and ok. I would love to do that. I want to reply to everything that anybody says to me today with a simple "f*ck you."

Co-worker: Hey, you going to the meeting?

Me: F*ck you.

Co-worker: What time you going to lunch?

Me: F*ck you.

Co-worker: How was your weekend? Do anything fun!?

Me: F*ck you.

See! Wouldn't that be fun!!!??

I feel like going home and watching movies all day. I had a headache all weekend, probably because I knew I had to come back to work today and a lot of people have off. They suck.

***DISCLAIMER*** I love life, I love living it, I love having it. I wouldn't change a thing. I thank God for all my blessings and am grateful to be here and be healthy and happy. I just feel like being a bitch today - can I live??

What do you do??

What do you do when you have a very strong opinion about something, but other people try to make you think that it's wrong? How do you cope? And not just any person, people who matter to you - who you care about and vice versa. I'm all for hearing people out and trying to see things from a different point of view, but it bothers me to no end that MY opinion is seen as flat out wrong, and I am looking like a close minded individual. I think what bothers me the most about this issue is the fact that in my heart of hearts, I know I am wrong; but in my mind, I am completly justified and right! It's a constant battle that I have to deal with internally which is probably why I project my feelings onto those people who try to make me see it their way (the way my heart sees it) but I want to go MY way (the way my mind sees it). I don't want to give in and it's frustrating.


This wouldn't be such an issue if this topic didn't come up as often as it did, but it does so I am forced to either keep my mouth shut and stew in my own fury, or speak on it and get chastized. I feel like changing my opinion is merely giving in - just rolling over and saying "you win" and I can't give up that easliy! What I feel is strong, and it just won't go away because people think I am wrong. I really don't know what to do.

Big Love

I love that show. I could never be one of three wives, or any number other than 1 for that matter. I do, however, understand how you can love more than one person at the same time.

I find myself thinking about it from time to time, you know, being with more than 1 person. I mean - I love who I am with and wouldn't want to be with anyone else......but......well, I can't explain it. Ok, let me put it like this - and maybe I am immoral, unethical and uncouth for saying this, but I know a lot of people think this way and just don't say it outloud! Anyway, I can love person A, hang out with person B, and my love doesn't change for my main squeeze. It's hard because the thought of someone cheating on me gives me knots in my stomach and I want to cry at the thought - but I can totally understand how you just do things to do them, not feel guilty about it, and not have any less love for the person you are with. Does that make it right - heck no! But I understand. I really don't want to do it, because I beleive in karma and if I don't want it done to me, well.....I better stay faithful.

But different people can give you different feelings, and you can love them in completly different ways, I think. I think it's our selfish nature to want people all to ourselves. I ain't mad at it, cuz I don't wanna share my man either! And as much as it might hurt when someone strays, it really doesn't mean they don't love you - even if that's how we feel. Or shoot, maybe it does and I just don't know it and am in denial. Who knows. I'll do my best to practice fidelity in the meantime.

I be strokin'!

OK, so I used to be kinda full of myself. Not in a horrible, outlandish way - but more so in the it's all about me, pay me some attention, don't worry about you or anybody else kind of way. You know? I mean, I basically didn't have any self-esteem issues (and still don't - *does the cute girl dance* heeey!) but I have grown and become more thoughtful and tranquil in my need for love and attention.

I do know how to stroke an ego though - since I used to love having mine stroked. I don't enjoy it as much now - although a little stroke from time to time is still cool. I, however, can stroke with the best of them. Call it what you want: ego stroking, gassing up, blowing your head up, or even complimenting - it's all the same. Saying something positive to make someone feel good about themselves. I can only do this about 40% of the time though. Most of the time I just don't feel like it. That's probably that selfish part of me that just won't go away. The other 60% of the time though - I would say only about half of that is sincere.

Because I am a former attention addict, I can tell when somebody else is looking for that rush. As a reformed addict, I don't like to condone that behavior, but I know that everybody is not as advanced as me in that field, so I do have to give in at times just so they get their fix. Those other times though....you ain't getting anything but tough love from me. I won't soothe and appease you just so you feel better. get it somewhere else - sorry.

There was really no point of this post. I just wanted some attention - hahaha!!!

CAFFEINE!!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T KNOW IF CAFFEINE REALLY HAS THE EFFECT THAT PEOPLE THINK, BUT I KNOW I AM TYPING REALLY REALLY FAST RIGHT NOW!!!

Ok, so I was almost dead to the world this morning. I was SOOO tired! I don't normally drink coffee, but it does tend to wake me up. I don't know if it's a psychological thing or if the caffeine rush just gives me that wide eyed look, but whatever it is - it works. Every time.

I started with Frappucino's from Starbucks, and over time moved on to actual coffee (with lots of cream a sugar though). But you know what, ever since I decided to stop using artificial sweeteners, I realize how much sweeter they are compared to real sugar, well white sugar. I have to use a whole lot more just to get the coffee to a sweet enough state for me to slurp it down.

What was my point though??? Ummm....can't remember. So anyways, I'm awake now and ready to start my day. I don't want to have to rely on coffee every day though - I have an addictive personality a little bit, so I have to watch that.

F U!!

They say you can catch more bees with honey than with vinegar - but guess what.....I'm all out of honey.

I swear I would be a bitch 85% more of the time if
1.) I didn't believe in Karma and
2.) I wasn't a little bit compassionate and care about other people's feelings.

It's SO easy to be mean and it's actually harder to be nice - in my opinion. That doesn't make me a bad person - no, no, no, not at all. I just think that selfishness and asshole-ish-ness (yes I just made that word up) are natural human traits that everyone has and some people suppress it (DAMMIT! I just spilled coffee on my keyboard!!) better than others. I think I do a pretty good job of suppressing it most times; but lately I am having a bit of an issue. The evil thoughts and smart comments are coming more frequently in my head and it's getting more and more challenging to think before I let something slip out my mouth, or let a certain look come across my face. I don't want to be perceived as being a bitch - especially to certain people - because that just feeds into one of the many negative stereotypes about my people. But being sweet as pie all the time is not good either - it makes me sick actually. I guess you just have to find a balance between the two, but then people will call me bi-polar or say I have borderline personality disorder, so now what? I guess I don't have to go to extremes, and maybe it won't be as noticeable.

Ugh - I think I'm just in a bad mood for some reason. I hate when I get like this. I know I'll snap out of it - let's just hope I don't actually snap first.

How do I know?? This is how.

This is how I know I'm not racist -

I get uncomfortable and offended when people use racial slurs that are directed towards other races.

This is how I know I have a positive self image -

Even when I weighed 20 pounds more, I still thought I was cute and nobody could tell me otherwise.

This is how I know I'm not a lesbo -

Even though women are beautiful and all, the thought of one touching me in a sexual way makes my stomach hurt and turns me off completely.

This is how I know I love my friends -

Even when they make me so anrgy I see red, I want to hurry up and get over it so we can talk about something else.

This is how I know I'm not lazy -

Even when I'm on vacation, I can't sit around and do nothing ALL day, I have to get up and move around - I'm too restless.

This is how I know I'm in love -

I let him eat off my plate.

FEED ME!!!

I love to eat. And this is why America is so fat - well, not just because "I" like to eat, but a lot of us do. I don't know WHY food is so pleasing to me and a lot of other people, but IT IS!! It's like "mmm, this tastes so good and I just want it to linger on my tongue and fill up my stomach and give me feelings of pleasure". And then, if it's something bad i.e. high calorie/fat/sugar etc. then before I eat it, I'm rationlizing like "Ok - WHY CAN'T I EAT WHATEVER I WANT!? IT'S MY LIFE AND MY BODY!! IF IT MAKES ME HAPPY WHO CARES!!?? I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY!!" Yeah, I get mad. Only because I know that those few moments of bliss with me and that food, will mean even longer moments of misery with me and the mirror or me and my clothes. If I didn't care about the way I look, I swear I would eat whatever I want and just be fat. I mean, there's the health aspect of it too, but maybe because I'm generally healthy, I can't relate to that side as much. If I started to become un-healthy, then maybe I would eat better for those reasons too.

In the meantime - I struggle with food and weight. There's a quote that says "Nothing tastes as good as skinny" and while I understand that "skinny" here should be understood to mean 'a healthy weight for your body type' I am not sure how much I agree. I remember this one time when I was at work, I had on a new pair of jeans that were a size 2 (I know! I know!) and I think that's when people really noticed that I lost weight and everybody kept commenting on how skinny I looked. It felt good honestly. And I remember in that moment, I agreed with that quote. There's another time, however, when I was eating at this restaurant and the food was absolutley mouthwatering - not to mention the decadent dessert afterwards. In that moment, I didn't give two sh!ts about those size 2 jeans. But just last week, I put on a shirt that clung to my body a little too tight and showed every little buldge - and then I cared again. I REFUSE to buy bigger clothes because that just masks the issue, it doesn't solve it. I did that in college and that's why I STILL have jeans that say size 10 in my closet :(

Moderation is the key, I know this - but it's easier said than done. I have an excessive personality somewhat, and I overdo it sometimes. I can't just have ONE! I am learning though, and I am disciplined, so I will get through this and hopefully live a healthy lifestyle forever - but I feel like a food addict on some one-day-at-a-time steeze. *Sigh* I mean, if that's what it takes then so be it - but what I wouldn't give to just eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and stay the same size forever. I guess we all have dreams. I think I would even give up sex if I could eat anything and not gain weight - yes, it's that serious. Sex is good, but food is better. Sorry fellas.

Pray for My Soul!!!!

PMS is a muthafukka.

Anybody who thinks this shit ain't real is kidding themselves. I won't get into details about my symptoms, let's just say I'm finally at a point in my life where I can recognize the cause of my problems and address it accordingly.

This morning, I was in a fine mood. Then I came into work and started walking up the stairs. A man came in the stairwell after me and I can't even tell you how angry I got because he was too close behind me (and he was like a whole flight of stairs away). He was taking the steps two at a time so he was catching up pretty quick and I just wanted to turn around and shove my heel in his face so he could fall back down to the bottom and get away from me. But I knew what was bothering me and that I was overreacting, so after he said "good morning" I just replied and kept it moving. I was still irritated though.

And then, I wanted to let the bitch in me loose on this other man who pushes my buttons on a constant basis (and now I think he does it on purpose) when he commented on my breakfast and how I must be eating right and working out because there's a man in my life. LAWD! On a NORMAL day this would piss me off beyond belief, so you KNOW I was heated when he said that. I think I told him to get away and left it at that because he's my superior at work and an elder so I tried not to be too disrespectful, but maaaaan! And when he asked to see the pictures I was looking at online I told him no and closed the website. Not today sir, not to-day. He has a wife and two daughters, he should know better.

On another unrelated note, I HATE when people comment on my food or money. It really irritates me. Talk about my clothes, my friends, my family, my house, my car - heck, even me HAIR (if you're black or black-ish) but leave my food and my money alone. For some reason I take it a little more personal than anything else and I can't explain why. And PMS doesn't help the situation at all. Now it's just more intensified. Could explain why I didn't feel like being bothered at lunch yesterday and ate alone.

*sigh* The joys of womanhood. Good thing I can handle it.

I'm glad

Ok, so this is like a continuation from the last post (and yes I have other stuff to talk about, but I don't feel like it right now).

Anyway. I think Jennifer Lopez (or whoever wrote this song) said it best.....

Baby when I think about
The day that we first met (the day that we first met)
Wasn't lookin for what I found
But I found you
And I'm bound to find happiness in being around you

[Chorus:]
I'm glad when I'm makin love to you
I'm glad for the way you make me feel
I love it cause you seem to blow my mind every time
I'm glad when you walk you hold my hand
I'm happy that you know how to be a man
I'm glad that you came into my life
I'm so glad

[Verse 2:]
I dig the way that you get down
(you get down for 'bout)
And you still know how to hold me
(and you still know how to hold me)
Perfect blend, masculine (can't get enough now)
I think I'm in love, damn finally

[Chorus:]
I'm glad when I'm makin love to you
I'm glad for the way you make me feel
I love it cause you seem to blow my mind every time
I'm glad when you walk you hold my hand
I'm happy that you know how to be a man
I'm glad that you came into my life
I'm so glad

[Bridge:]
I'm glad that you turned out to be
That certain someone special
who makes this life worth living
I'm glad you're here just loving
So say that you won't leave
Cause since the day you came
I've been glad

[Chorus:]
I'm glad when I'm makin love to you
I'm glad for the way you make me feel
I love it cause you seem to blow my mind every time
I'm glad when you walk you hold my hand
I'm happy that you know how to be a man
I'm glad that you came into my life
I'm so glad

*sigh*

Well I guess I can't fight it anymore.

I was trying and trying to keep it from happening, but it's too strong.

I'm still holding on tight, but I'm slowly losing my grip.

Part of me wants to just let go and just BE - but another part of me is saying "Nuh uh girl, keep it together! We all we got!"

What will happen if I do, huh?

I remember a fortune cookie saying "You'll never know what you can do unless you try." It's so true.

I mean, if things don't work out as planned, I'll survive - I guess.

I just didn't want to put myself through the fire again.

You can't really live life if you're guarded all the time though.

Maybe it's time to put down my shield, just a little.

A friend told me recently that I'm basically living a lie. She didn't say it quite like that though.

I guess she was right. I don't wanna be a liar anymore.

Ok.

Here we go - I'm letting go.......

How's that song go....Cuidado Con mi corazon - yeah negro, take heed or feel the wrath.

Another Friday

What is it about Friday's that just make you not want to do any work? Is it the anticipation of knowing you don't have to do any work for the next two days once this day is over? Whatever the case may be, I am SO unproductive on Friday's most of the time. I used to be able to start off good, then after about 3:00 I might as well not be here - but now, I can't even get on the good foot at 7:30am! I mean, that's kinda early to be tryna work anyway, but especially on a Friday, a rainy Friday at that. I think we should get rain days just like sick days. If it's raining, stay home in bed. I would LOVE that. I can't wait to start my own company. Nobody else would get rain days, but I would (the perks of being a CEO).

So - here I sit, blogging and listening to Beyonce instead of doing whatever it is I am supposed to be doing right now. Does anybody notice? Proboably not since they're doing the same thing. Oh well. here's to Friday's! oh great - the nosy man I work with just walked by and commented on the cartoon pic - sheesh, don't you have something to do!?

Here we go again

I remember when I was around 19, there was a period in my life where it seemed like everything I could possibly want was coming to me without hesitation. I remember a day when things just seemed TOO perfect and it scared me. I guess I'm always bracing myself for when something goes wrong and drama happens or there's turmoil. Now don't get me wrong, out of 25 years I haven't had many drama filled moments, but I always expect it. When I was in 11th grade I first started to notice that nothing bad has ever really happened in my life and it worried me. I felt like I lived in a protective bubble and nothing could touch me. It left me feeling paranoid because I wondered if something bad DID happen, how would I handle it since I've never had to go through too much in the past?

Now I'm at that point again. I feel like everything is going so great and I'm worried. At any moment everything I have and love can be taken away from me, and I don't want to take anything for granted. How can I show my appreciation for all of my blessings? What can I do to feel like I'm really aware and thankful for all the good things in my life? I don't know, but I'll continue to thank God every night and pray that the blessings continue. I will also try to share my belssings with those around me. That's all i can think of. And even if everything just disappeared one day - I know that I appreciated what I had.

My romantic pattern...

According to tickle.com, this is my romantic pattern:

your romantic pattern is Love Conquers All!

At its core, the romantic pattern called Love Conquers All, is romantic, triumphant, and full of courage to face yourself with honesty.But, here's the recurring pattern you may see in your relationships: A tug of war between the desire for the love of your life, and a fear of commitment.

You may also find that challenges come from family and society — even yourself. Do loved ones disapprove of your partner, raise concerns you hadn't previously cared that much about?


Turning points may also stem from previous obligations at work, or in promises you've made to others. Do you reschedule or delay plans with your partner because you feel the need to honor responsibilities at the office? Do you prioritize taking care of a friend in need over the needs of your mate?

Ambition to be loyal to loved ones, move ahead at work, improve your home, see the world — these are all good things. But sometimes, they take precedence over your love life — whether you are conscious of it or not.

Remember Nicolas Cage in the film "Family Man"? Through a strange twist of fate, he's given the opportunity to see life as it might have been had he gotten married instead of pursued successes at work. Though fantastical and magical, he experiences a jarring event, and through it, realizes he has different priorities. He would give up his important job and expensive belongings to be with the one woman he realizes he truly loves. And he realizes that his initial choice to pursue his career instead of pursue his relationship was driven not by his hopes for success, but his fear of taking on the seriousness of his relationship. Through this realization, he has the courage to face himself, not preexisting hopes and goals.

Even if fate doesn't throw obstacles in your way, it's possible that you do. Do you shy away from romantic commitments? Do you make excuses for not dating? Do you wish your relationships never progressed past the lovey-dovey stage? Are the people you date "all wrong" for you? There's a reason you're holding back from pursuing a good thing. You may put excuses between you and another person, or you may intentionally pick the wrong person to give you an alternative to getting serious. The real courage in your romantic pattern comes from taking a good look at yourself, and questioning your motivations.

Once you recognize this as your pattern, you will indeed have the courage and the insight to question yourself, and make a commitment, or a break with someone, before external events force you to. In this manner, Courage is one of the most noble and truthful romantic patterns out there.

In "Notting Hill," Julia Roberts plays a movie star whose career (not to mention awful boyfriend) get in the way of a fledgling romance with a London bookseller (Hugh Grant). In "Autumn in New York," a cheating playboy played by Richard Gere finds himself in love with a dying 22-year-old. Will he mend his ways before it's too late? The romantic pattern that drives these plots is the same that drives your fantasies and relationships, which is why these stories can be so powerful. Of course, in the movies it's always clear just whom the lead person should hook up with. In real life, it's quite a bit harder. Love Conquers All, and now you're equipped to find it.


I think this is on point. Guess I have some changes to make.

That Feminine Touch

You know, there is nothing that can compare to the love from a woman. Whether it be your mother, grandmother, aunt, sister, cousin, or friend - women are the most loving people on this earth. Without even having to say anything, a woman who knows you well enough will know what to say to you to make you happy, make you cry, make you laugh or whatever the situation may call for.

I really try to cherish the women in my life and appreiciate them as much as I can. I know who to call when I have problems with work, food, men or other friends - and I know who to call when I need to cry, vent or laugh. I am so lucky to have supportive women in my life who are in tune with my feelings and emotions so that we can communicate without having to use many words. It feels good to know what to expect and to be able to relate to another person in such a way that you both know what needs to be said (or not said) in order to get the point across.

Thanks ladies. Luv u!!

"When I say I HATE you say MEN!"

I hate

*MEN*

I hate

*MEN*


Yeah, yall know what I'm talkin bout - with their sexy asses.

I hate the sweet text messages that make you smile, I hate the deep voice that soothes you at night and says just the right things. I even hate the hugs they give you that make you feel all warm and soft. GOD I hate them so much. Why can't they just go away and stop causing me grief!

What I hate most about men, is that I love them so much. Why? Why do I love them and I hate them? F*ck. I'm screwed for life....hopefully, lol.

Ice Queen

I think I'm numb. It must be a survival instinct or something. Sometimes I just don't feel ANYTHING. And I'm starting to feel like this blog is full of depressing posts, but oh well. Maybe things will pick up in the next few months or so.

Anyway, yeah so I'm numb. I used to think that I could turn it on and off depending on the situation, but now I'm starting to think it's not all under my control. Like, sometimes I want to feel something, and I try to force it and fake it, but it's really just not there. It scares me a little - the fact that I can be so detached from my emotions when I KNOW that I am a naturally comapssionate and sensitive person most of the time. Sometimes I have to check myself and make sure I'm not suffering from depression. I used to think that depression meant I would be moping around and sad all the time, but now I know that it can manifest itself in many ways. I don't think that's what this is right now though. I think it's my emotions taking a back seat so that I don't blackout on somebody (if you know what I mean). So maybe I should thank my emotions for knowing when to chill out. Thanks :)

P.S. - Babyface is absolutely wonderful. I forgot how great his songs were. Just thought I'd mention that.

Rush, rush, rush

When I was a waitress for the first time, I had my evaluation with the manager after awhile of being there and he said that sometimes I lacked a sense of urgency. I thought to myslef "well yeah, cuz I don't care that much. They'll get it when it's ready." And you know what, I feel that way about most things (unless it comes to MY food, or anything that has to do with satisfying me, then I want it yesterday and now is not soon enough). But even with the job I have now, it's like "Chill - it will get done, just relax!" I just don't feel the need to rush things at work.

Now sometimes I do get a burst of energy and I'm under pressure so it's exciting to run around trying to get work done - but that's not the norm at my job. I'm glad I changed my mind about being an investment banker - you can't be so laid back when it comes to millions of dollars of people's money. I decided yesterday that I want a profession that is all about making people feel good and enjoy life. Like a spa or something, but with a more upbeat feel. That's why I want to open a restaurant/lounge - I want people to have fun and enjoy themselves like I do! Eating, drinking and dancing are my favorite things to do outside of the house (oh can't forget shopping).

So come on everybody - let's eat, drink and be merry! And for heavens sake, slow down and enjoy life - what's the hurry?

Conflict and Compromise

These are two things that are present in most relationships. The question is, how balanced are they? It's never good for there to be more of one than the other and definitely not coming from one person more than another. I personally think that you haven't truly bonded with a person until you've had your first fight, and made up. I can't even really call you a good friend until we've fought at least one time.

I am a very non-confrontational person. I absolutely HATE to argue. It just makes me uneasy. Now don't take that to mean that I'm passive - no no no. If there is something I feel strongly enough about, I will argue my point when necessary - but most times I like to find a resolution to the problem without anger and frustration. That's what bothers me. I like to discuss things like two (or however many) rational people - not a bunch of screaming idiots.

My question is, when there is conflict and you want to come to some sort of compromise, but you and the other person are so extremely opposed to each other's solution, how much compromise can be made? Any compromise would leave the other person feeling like they lost out, and that's never a good feeling. It's one thing to do something to make someone else happy because you care about them, but making someone else happy at the expense of your own happiness is something I just can't condone and I never will (unless it's like your kid or something, then there are exceptions). You know what I'm saying though? Like, how much can you give in before you feel like you gave up and lost?

Pieces of me

I love that song by Ashlee Simpson.

There are many peices of me and unless you've spent every moment of my life with me, you will never see them all. I'm sitting here listening to my ipod at work and a song came on that made me happy. I had this goofy smile on my face and started bopping in my seat. I just had to laugh at how silly I looked. This is why I'm my own best friend (and my own worst enemy) cuz I can act any way I want to without having to explain myself or apologizing for my actions.

I can be silly.

I can be snotty.

I can be sensitive.

I can be a bitch.

I can be soft.

I can be hard.

I can be innocent.

I can be evil.

I can be anything I want to be at any moment.

I don't like to show all the good parts to everyone all the time, because I hate it when people fall in love with me. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. My tolerance for people is not very high, so I like to keep most people at a comfrotable distance. If I show them my goods, they want to be around me all the time and I'm too tempermental for all that. I love my close friends and family, but that's all I have room for - sorry. But who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll feel different.

Fear Factor

No, not the show. But what's your biggest fear? I'll tell you mine. Not sky diving (I plan on doing that for one of my birthday's Lord willing), or bugs (although I HATE them, yuck) - it's being unhappy. That is my biggest fear. I think that explains so much about my personality.

I am indecisive, non-confrontational and slightly self-absorbed - but all of these are basically because I just want to be happy.

I have trouble making decisions because I am afraid of making the wrong one and not being happy.

I hate conflict because it makes people angry and I just want everyone to get along and be happy.

I am slightly self-absorbed because I hate relying on anybody else to do anything for me thereby giving them the opportunity to disappoint me and do what....that's right, make me unhappy.

See the pattern? I am kinda pessimistic because I feel like if I keep my expectations low, there is less room for me to be let down. With everything I do, that fear is always in the back of my mind. With friends, family, men, food, shopping - EVERYTHING. I HATE being unhappy. Well, then again who likes to be miserable? It's just that I am a very emotional and sensitive person, so when I feel something, most of the time I feel it very deeply. I often distance myself in order to not feel things so strongly, or else it will take over my whole being! Ok, that's kinda extreme - but I do feel deep. That's why unhappiness doesn't just come and go. It lingers and manifests itself into my daily activites, no matter what the source. So, please bear with me when I can't make up my mind, or try to be the peace keeper, or even when I'm acting like a spoiled little bitch. I just want to be happy!

Something's not right.

You ever have one of those days, where it seems like something is wrong but you don't know what? Yeah, well that's today. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something is off. I can speculate as to what the cause of this uneasiness is, but I really don't know.

Is it work? Hormones? Family? Friends? Lover(s)? - Just kidding, there's only one. I really don't know.

Maybe the lady at work put something in the brownies she made today. I knew I shouldn't have eaten it - I don't even like nuts.

I hope it passes. I just want to have an easy day - I don't need this mess.

Chocoholic

Hello, my name is Coco - and I'm a chocoholic.
*Hi Coco*

So I've realized that I really do have an addiction to chocolate. It's not even that it's a chocolate addiction, but it's sugar - and chocolate just happens to be my substance of choice. After every meal, I NEED a piece of chocolate. I won't feel right without it. I re-discovered this problem last week, so I decided to try and break the addiction. I ate every meal and did NOT have any chocolate afterwards. And you know what......I survived. After a few days, I didn't even crave it anymore.

Now this is a new week and my period is about to come on soon, so all bets are off and chocolate is back in the mix.

I think this addiction is not so bad though. It doesn't interfere in my daily life, hasn't caused me to lose lots of money or ruin my relationships (or my figure *wink*), so maybe I have it under control. One thing I will say it has caused is stains. Since I need it everyday, I try to keep it handy. I usually keep it at home, at work, in my purse, and I used to keep it in the car until I opened my glove box and it was all melted. See, that's where the problem comes in. I've had melted chocolate in my purse, on my bedspread, towels, couch, clothes and everything else. Chocolate stains are not pretty. It looks like doodoo, and is hard to get out if you don't pretreat and wet right away. So, I will work on the stains, but as for my addiction - can't stop, won't stop.

Is it the way....

Text messages that say "I love you baby!"

Kisses while I sleep.

Massages in the dark.

Holding my hand while walking down the street.

Calling me in the middle of your Madden/Poker/Football game.

Rubbing my eyebrows while we lay in bed and stare at each other.

Watching Flavor of Love or some other ridiculous show with me.

Bringing me chocolate when I didn't even ask.

Giving up "guys' night out" to be with me.

Calling me "baby" and "boo boo".

I love you too.

"Weeee, can't be friends...."

So apparently my significant other doesn't want me to have male friends. Huh? I am a grown woman (well, getting there) how you gonna tell me who I can and can't be friends with!? He says he's a jealous person and he knows this so basically, no I can't have male friends. So we go back and forth about it, but not for too long because I don't even want to go there right at that moment.

This leaves me feeling torn. I don't want to be a hypocrite, because I have already said to him that I don't beleive that most men and women can be friends. It's not that I don't think it can't happen, but I just know from personal experience that it's not a good idea. With the exception of one or two people, all of the men I know are because I've either had something with them romantically, they wanted to and I didn't, or they messed with one of my friends. Those are the only men I really know and call "friends", so I can see why my man wouldn't want me being friends with them. Plus - not to toot my own horn or anything, it's just nature - if I proposed the idea of gettin down with the get down (you know what I mean) I can't think of too many of my "friends" that would decline. With that said, I didn't really have a strong argument as to why I should be able to hang out with these guys. I know that it's basically in my control as to whether something happens with them or not, but I can respect where he's coming from. I told him I would still be hanging out with them in groups though - not just me and another guy, but I don't really do that too much now.

See - this is why I enjoyed being single. I could do whatever I wanted and not have to take anoybody else's feelings into consideration. Of course now he can't have any female friends either, just to make it fair. Not that he can't have them, but he can't go out with them. What's a shame is I honestly don't even care, but hey - If I can't, he can't either! This is gonna be tough.

Deja Vu

"...Baby I can't go anywhere
Without thinking that you're there
Seems like you're everywhere, it's true
Gotta be having Deja Vu'
Cause in my mind I want you here
Get on the next plane, I don't care
Is it because I'm missing you
That I'm having Deja Vu!

Boy, I try to catch myself
But I'm out of control
Your sexiness is so appealing
I can't let it go..."

That pretty much sums it up. Not that I think he's everywhere I go, but I wish he was. It's Friday and I want to go on a date. My date partner is 956.64 miles away. This long distance thing is crazy. Hopefully if everything works out, I will be closer soon. Then I'll have everything I want: good family, friends, job and man all within reach. *sigh* In due time......

I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!

One thing I can't stand is for someone I care about to be upset or done wrong. It's one thing if I'm the one that upset them - then, well....that's different. I can apologize and we can move on. But if someone else does it - I want to physically hurt them in order for them for feel the same pain my loved one has felt. I remember one time when I was little, my grandmom won the lottery; it was a small amount, but she went to collect it from the store where she bought the ticket. She said the lady (or man, whoever) gave her a hard time and wouldn't give her the money. I wanted to go down there and kick that cashier's teeth down their throat! Now my grandmom is a grown woman and can take up for herself just fine, but I still remember the rage I felt. It hasn't stopped yet.

So when I heard about a certain individual doing my loved one dirty - AGAIN - I was heated. I want to tear him apart limb by limb, but I know this isn't feasible. I just don't understand people sometimes. I said that before didn't I? Well, it's because I really don't! Now what I do understand is that sometimes, your feelings will get hurt. It happens to everybody. What doesn't need to happen is for your feelings to be played with, tossed around, then thrown in the street like trash. Nobody deserves that - well he does now that he's done this again. I believe in karma and he will definitely get his. Maybe he is getting it right now and this situation that he chose to put himself in is what he deserves. This situation really has nothing to do with me, so I can only vent my anger here and K.I.M. I just hate when selfishness and stupidity come in one spineless, fat, stupid package and get dropped of at your doorstep and you're left dealing with the repercussions. Ugh.

GET A F*CKING COUGH DROP!!!! GOD!!!

You know, in China they won't even let you come to work if you're sick - yup. They're smart -bad drivers- but smart. Why on earth would you come spreading your germs to all of your co-workers to make them sick and then THEY have to take time off like you should have been taking!? Ugh! She makes me so sick! (no pun intended) I think tomorrow I'm going to bring a pack of cough drops and leave them on her desk. Maybe she'll get the hint. We've been back at work what, three days so far - and she's been coughing non-stop. I mean, granted she may not feel sick, but she don't sound healthy. I swear I had bronchitis one time, but I only had coughing fits at night. But you best belive if I was coughing at work, I would not be coughing up a lung and staying at work for everyone to hear it and catch the cooties. I don't get people some times. Take care of YOU first. If you're not healthy, you aren't doing anybody any good. And if you are making everybody else sick, you are causing harm so you just suck all around. And she's not a very nice person anyway, so it's making me even more mad. I have to keep my headphones on so i don't hear the hacking and accidentaly scream out "GO THE F#CK HOME IF YOU'RE THAT SICK! LORD! GET A F*CKING COUGH DROP ALREADY!!!"

Poppin bottles and cherries in the '07

Ok, so this is my first blog. I don't really do this because I'm too lazy to get all my thoughts out on...paper? No, in a blog. Whatever. I do have a lot to say though. I'll start here.

There's a quote from Roseanne that goes "I consider myself a pretty good judge of character, that's why I don't like none of them." I rememebered that ever since I was younger because I felt the exact same way. I feel like I have a REALLY good perception of people's character and overall aura and vibe. You know the saying real recognizes real - it's true. And even beyond that, real recognizes fake too. I get vibes from people as soon as I meet them, and there's little they can do to change the way I feel about them once that vibe sets in. Now, it's up to me to act accordingly once I pick up on said vibe, but I'm learning as I get older how to deal with certain people. You ever meet somebody or see somebody and just think "I don't like them." or "He/she seems really nice." I do that with everybody I meet and I'm coming to realize that I'm usually right. If I don't like you, it's for good reason even if I don't know it yet. Now there has been the occasion where I got blindsided by a long term friend who switches up on you and you don't even see the knife being thrown into your back - but this is rare and since we met when we were young, my skills weren't fully developed and I couldn't determine good from evil from jumpstreet. Another example is my ex. When I met him, my mind said "ooh girl, he is NO good for you." But I messed with him anyway just because - and look how that turned out
:(
But I digress. Can I turn this into a career somehow? I think I'm really good at it, but I don't know how I can use it for a good purpose. Maybe in HR or something. I just need to be a hiring manager so I can put people where they belong. I need to put this power to good use!

Hasta luego mis amigos!!