In-security

For the first time in a long time, I am feeling really, really insecure. Not in terms of looks or money or relationships - they're all great! :) But in terms of my mental capabilities and intelligence.

At work and in school, all of a sudden I need constant reassurance that I am doing a fantastic job. I think it wouldn't be as much of an issue if I was alright with being mediocre, but I'm really not (well not all the time). Suddenly I feel the need to be better - the best at everything I do at work and in school. With school its easy - do the work, get a grade and you know how well you're doing. With work it's not as simple, which is probably where the frustration comes into play.

Seeing as how I have been out of school for 5 years and working comfortably, I guess I got comfortable just moving along at a constant pace; not really too pressed on competing, honestly. I was secure in my position at work because I knew I was pretty good at what I did. Now, there are new challenges being passed my way, and I'm excited about taking them on, but the pressure to step up and perform has me a little anxious. I HATE to fail! I am never one to back down from something I think I will succeed at, so the pressure I put on myself is sometimes too much to handle, and it drives me a little crazy. I know I don't have to be perfect, I really do know this....but I can't help but to try. It's an illness.

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but I'm starting to re-evaluate my self-image. When did I become this way? Why do praise and perfect scores give me SO much pleasure and glee? I mean, of course I should be happy when I do well - that's fine. But when I don't do so well, I am SO hard on myself and it's my own fault. Nobody else cares as much and I'm really not letting anyone else down, but I take it so hard. I know I need to stop. I know I won't though. Maybe if I realize that making mistakes is part of the experience and you can only learn from that, it's not always as bad as it seems at the time. The problem is, I already know that and it still doesn't matter to me.

You know what the problem is - and this is a whole separate blog, so I'll just touch on it for a sec - it's my excessive personality disorder. I go to extremes; I either care too much, or not at all. I always go from one extreme to another with no time to find the middle ground. Maybe if I start working on that, everything else will fall into place. I just have to care enough to try and fix it.

Whatchu say?

I know you can't talk to people any old type of way - but dammit if I don't want to sometimes. See, this is why I need to be the owner of something - then I'd be running ish and nobody could complain. I mean, it probably has something to do with the way I woke up this morning (by having the covers yanked off me) and the fact that I'm not a morning person as it is, and I'm sleepy - what was I getting at.....oh yeah, talking to people.

So this man (my customer at work) left a message on the phone about some issue he has and he needs me to explain some things. I want to call him up with all the attitude in the world and just say "Now - what's the problem?" but I know that's not how I'm supposed to handle it. I'm glad he left a message and didn't call me at 6:45 like he does on other mornings (grrrrrr). But I still may have to wait until at least 10:00 am to return the phone call - cuz I don't know how much I can mask my irritation at his request. And yes, this is my job - but I swear I hate having to explain what seems like simple math to people every two seconds.

I actually tried that smiling when you answer the phone thing, and it does work - but I just don't even feel like it right now. Maybe I need some food. Let me get a snack and then I'll call him back. Let's hope I don't get fired.

Spring Love!

Ok - so for some reason, I am super excited and happy about the alleged Beyonce-Jay-Z wedding that supposedly took place this past Friday. I don't know what it is about them getting married that makes me so happy! Maybe its because she and I are the same age and I've been a DC/Bey fan for so long that I feel like she's a friend of mine and we kinda grew up together over the past 10 years. Plus, I love me some Jay and I love the two of them together and they've managed to maintain a relationship over the past 6 years in Hollywood when most people can't even stay together for 6 minutes without us hearing about a break up or divorce. I just love it - I love it all and I'm mad I wasn't invited :(

My own love is cool too. I mean, we're no Bey and Jay, but best believe O -n- E are the hotness!! And I swear there's not enough time in the day to spend together and say all that needs to be said. But when I say there's not enough time, I mean it.....I feel asleep at 7:00 last night. 7:00!!!!!!!!! I mean, I put great-grandmothers to shame! I need to get it together.


Anyway, workplace romance is not the business. And me being fun, fabulous, and flirty is not cool either (apparently). I went out with co-workers this weekend and two different couples, or couple-like pairs were part of the group. Now I'm cool with both the guys and one of the girls, so I'm used to hanging with them and socializing all the time. These 'relationships' are both new though and I guess the interactions between us weren't something they were used to, so now I have to tone it down to make the ladies more comfortable. Ain't that some mess! I mean, I can fully understand where they are coming from, but it sucks. It like, before he was your man, he was my friend - and most likely when yall brake up (cuz you probably will) he'll still be my friend. AND I have a man and have NO interest in yours!!! I mean, WTF! I'm just venting, cuz honestly I hate my boyfriend having female friends also, but you know what....I deal with it, and I don't tell him to stop doing anything he's doing, because I'm secure and comfortable in myself and in our relationship. Am I wrong? Should I stop? Do I have to show more loyalty to my gender and not my male friends? This sucks.

Spring love.