Self-ish

Is being selfish a sin? Like, is it in the 10 commandments, or is it just frowned upon by society - and God? I know it's not always a good thing to be selfish, but I think I've used it more as a survival tactic as opposed to just having it as an unappealing characteristic. The way I see it, in the end, all you have is you really. I have people in my life that I'd like to think I can call on for anything if I ever need it; but the reality is, these people may not always be around or may not be in a position to help me. So how would I get along without their help? By relying on myself. And if I can find a way to do it on my own, why waste their time and have them help me?

Now that's one aspect of the selfishness - the other, not so pretty aspect is the emotional and mental side. When I make a decision, I am the person who has to live every day in and out with that decision. Since I know my emotions run high, I need to make the best decisions for my life so that I can live peacefully. This sometimes means putting myself, my needs, my wants, my feelings before others. Sometimes it works out well for all involved - and sometimes things get messy. This is a chance that I have to be willing to take in order to keep it together on the inside. Recently, I made a mess. It wasn't intentional, but now I see it was selfish. I gambled - and lost. I didn't lose it all, but I lost something I can't get back right away. I will have to work hard to gain it back and part of me (guess which part....the selfish part silly!) doesn't care. the other part of me (the loving caring part) cares deeply and wants to do whatever it takes to get it back.

Now the battle begins. If I let the selfish part of me win, I will eventually lose it all. In the big scheme of things, it's not worth losing everything over this one thing - I am well aware of this. The problem is letting my guard down and becoming vulnerable is not my strongest quality. I can do it, because I can do just about anything I put my mind to - but I just have to build up my emotional and mental reserves in order to get through this. Keep thinking long-term. I might lose the battle, but I'll win the war. I hate trying to be a good person. Ugh.

All Cried Out

He's never seen me cry. In 27 months - not even once. One one hand, it's a good thing. I would take it to mean that he's never done anything to seriously upset me. On the other hand, I know there have been one or two occasions where I fought back tears for the simple fact that I felt like I was being too sensitive.

I used to be a crybaby. My dad used to tease me about it, and I used to feel bad about wanting to cry all the time. Somewhere in my early twenties, I decided that it was ok for me to cry if I felt the need. Shoot - I have feelings and I need to express myself though whatever means necessary! But I think somewhere after the end of my last relationship, I decided it was ok for me to cry alone, but not in front of a man. I know - issues. It should be ok for me to let down my guard in front of the person I love and share my life with, but I just don't want to - not yet anyway. I remember in high school I had a guy friend who I used to chat with and we were cool - nothing romantic. One day we had some email survey and one question asked if we'd ever seen the other person cry. His answer about me was "No - I can't even imagine her crying." Now, at this point, I was still very much a crier; but to hear him say that made me feel like "Wow - I like that. I don't want anybody to picture me crying!"

Since I used to cry so much and have gone back and forth about letting it out or holding it in, I am starting to notice that I have much better control over when the tears come. Even when my eyes get watery, there's a lump in my throat, and I can't look someone in the eye - I know what to do to make it go away before they notice. Once they notice, it's all over and the flood gates shoot wide open. I just think that I've cried so much, I don't waste tears anymore. There are so many problems in the world that sometimes I feel like crying over spilled milk (or chocolate or whatever makes me upset at the moment) is just not worth it. Now I save my crying for movies and commercials that touch me when I'm PMS-ing. Then, it' not even under my control - but I still do it alone.

Holy Roller

So one of my resolutions for 2008 is to find some girlfriends in my new homeland. I know some guys, but sometimes you need a girl to talk to, eat with, party and drink - ya know? And with school starting soon and work being what it is, I know I'll need time to relax every once in awhile, and I can't monopolize all of my boyfriend's time just because he's the closest person to me around here.

So I know one girl, she's the sister of one of my other friends. I've met her twice I think; once we went to lunch and another time dinner - but that was 2 years ago. She seems pretty nice, but I don't know her that well. One thing I do know is she goes to church. Now, I'm not opposed to church, but I think she's pretty active. When I'm around loyal church members, I feel more like a heathen than any other time. I don't know the rules - can we drink? Go to a club and dance? Get smart with each other for fun? I don't know! My sister is a devoted hardcore Christian and I treat her like I would anyone else, but that's because I know her well enough to know that she wasn't always saved and to me, she's still just my sister. But you never know with new people. Is is wrong for me to join a church just to network so I can find some people to hang with - and receive the word of God while I'm there of course :)

See, the only problem with this, is I'm not that faithful of a churchgoer. I like church and all, but I've never gone consistently and honestly, I don't see that happening. But where else can I meet people who are going to want to be sociable and friendly? I'm really about to give up. It's not in my personality to be all that outgoing and proactive about meeting people. I guess it doesn't hurt to try. *sigh* oh boy. Yall better pray for me.

I'm every woman

So yesterday was fun - ok, fun is a bit exaggerated - yesterday was a pretty good day. I woke up feeling good, so that's always a plus. I had a talk with my manager about my career, family, kids, school, just my future in general. I told him more than I've even told my own mother and best friends! But it had to happen that way. I'm an honest person, and if you ask me - most likely I will tell you what you want to know. Now I know how to hold back certain details that may be nunya, but I'll give you the meat and potatoes of it.



So it's funny - during the conversation when we mentioned kids, he said to me "Once you have kids, your career won't mean as much to you anymore - your priorities change." and I had two reactions to this statement. 1.) WTF you mean my career won't matter to me as much!? This is how I plan on financially supporting my family and I want them to want for nothing! I have to be concerned about my career if I want to be able to take care of my dang kids! Don't give me that mess just because I'm a woman!! 2.) You're darn right my career won't matter as much! I already have things in my life NOW that come before my career - so my own flesh and blood kids that come from my loins - - they will most definitely come before this or any other job!! So instead of blurting out either of these thoughts, I just smiled and nodded. He also suggested in a fatherly manner that I finish grad school before having kids - uuh, that's not for another 4 years and I have a plan Sir. See, this is when opening up too much comes back to bite you in the arse. NOW, if I have a baby before I finish school, I'll feel like I let him down. Ultimately I don't care, but I hate that feeling in the interim. All I could think was "Alicia does it!!". I wanted to say that to him, but again - smile and nod.



I was so fired up about being able to accomplish it all, that now I feel I have something to prove. So then, once I got home around 8:00, I wanted to hurry up and make dinner so I could hurry up and relax so I could hurry up and go to sleep (only to hurry up and feel like I am waking up 10 minutes later). Normally my boyfriend takes a shower, I cook, we eat, I take a shower. Last night though, on my hurry up plan, I decided I didn't want to wait - so he jumped in the shower, I started dinner, timed it just right, I jumped in the shower then came back and finished cooking. He just came out the shower when I was saying "dinner's ready!" He looked at me and said "WTF - you Superwoman or something!?"



Smile and nod.

New Post

I'm feeling good. Can't complain. A little crazy - but that's nothing new. Looking forward to this month: my birthday, Christmas, New Year's. '08 should be fun. Funny - I have big plans, and no money. Lol. It always seems to be that way. Oh well - I'll manage.