B!TCH!!!

Sometimes I don't know why people even want to be my friend - or even like me. I am SUCH a bitch sometimes. And you know what, the moodiness comes and goes so I try to keep it in check and respond appropriately, which may be the only reason I still have friends, honestly.

But do you sometimes just get comfortable with who you are and not want to change? Like - I know who I am, what I am, and I'm ok with that. Yes I can be a bitch, but not 100% of the time so I'm ok with that. But I know that as human beings we are supposed to grow and evolve and become better people (or so I've heard) but right now I'm just like...nah, I'm good right here.

The truth of the matter is, I am my first best friend and sometimes I just want to spend time alone. Not all the time, but when I need it - it's like REALLY important that I get it. So I get frustrated when people end up imposing, but they don't even know it. And I know it's easy to say "I'd just like to be alone right now." But sometimes people take it personally, then they get all emotional and shut down the next time you're ready to spend time with them again. Maybe I'm not giving people the benefit of the doubt, but it happens.

Now don't get me wrong, I SO appreciate the fact that I have people in my life that I CAN spend time with and talk to and care about - but sometimes I feel smothered by the slightest action - like a text message or some small request. Maybe it's just cuz I'm about to get my period and everything is getting on my nerves - yeah that might play a part. Ignore me, please.

Here we go....

I have a problem. Apparently I'm never satisfied. Well, that's not it exactly - the problem is my satisfaction depends strictly on my specified requests, and if my requests are met but exceed or fall short of my expectations - THEN I'm not satisfied. The problem is, how many times can something meet my exact desires? Not very often.

I said I wanted a female friend - I got one. Careful what you ask for. And see, I KNEW this about myself, but there's no way to explain this certain conundrum about my personality without coming off like some sort of weirdo (and who wants to make friends with a weirdo?) The problem is, I want to be friends when I feel like it; meaning call when I want to, see you when I want to, go out when I want to, talk when I want to. And when I don't want to....you're dismissed- for the time being - until I want to again.

I think I enjoy being by myself a little too much. When I lived alone in Florida, even though I got bored sometimes, for the most part I enjoyed the time to myself. And I used to think that I liked being alone because I grew up in a house full of people and having alone time was something to be treasured, but now I'm realizing that I've always been that way - just a loner.

I feel bad sometimes when my boyfriend asks if I missed him while we were apart and my honest answer is no. It's not that I don't miss him, but I just really enjoy being alone... a lot. Is that bad?? I mean, I like hanging out with people too, but I'm so temperamental that it's probably better for everyone's well being to just keep it at a minimum. If I don't see you for awhile, it makes it all the more enjoyable when we finally DO get to spend time together. Make sense?

So anyway - back to this new friend thing. She sits two doors down from me and we work in the same department. She's almost everything I wanted in a new friend - smart, cute, down-to-earth, likes to laugh - almost perfect! Apparently I'm probably what she was looking for also and now we talk - a lot. More than I'd prefer. On the one hand its good that she's the aggressor in the communication department of our friendship, cuz if you left it up to me, we'd probably speak once a week or something. But at the same time, I need a break sometimes. Since its early on our friendship, I'm trying to deal with it, but honestly its hard. I don't want to have to start dodging her phone calls or anything like that, but we're going to have to find a nice balance that we both can live with. I don't mean to be difficult, but this is why I only have a small amount of friends as it is - I just can't handle it.

Holy Roller

So one of my resolutions for 2008 is to find some girlfriends in my new homeland. I know some guys, but sometimes you need a girl to talk to, eat with, party and drink - ya know? And with school starting soon and work being what it is, I know I'll need time to relax every once in awhile, and I can't monopolize all of my boyfriend's time just because he's the closest person to me around here.

So I know one girl, she's the sister of one of my other friends. I've met her twice I think; once we went to lunch and another time dinner - but that was 2 years ago. She seems pretty nice, but I don't know her that well. One thing I do know is she goes to church. Now, I'm not opposed to church, but I think she's pretty active. When I'm around loyal church members, I feel more like a heathen than any other time. I don't know the rules - can we drink? Go to a club and dance? Get smart with each other for fun? I don't know! My sister is a devoted hardcore Christian and I treat her like I would anyone else, but that's because I know her well enough to know that she wasn't always saved and to me, she's still just my sister. But you never know with new people. Is is wrong for me to join a church just to network so I can find some people to hang with - and receive the word of God while I'm there of course :)

See, the only problem with this, is I'm not that faithful of a churchgoer. I like church and all, but I've never gone consistently and honestly, I don't see that happening. But where else can I meet people who are going to want to be sociable and friendly? I'm really about to give up. It's not in my personality to be all that outgoing and proactive about meeting people. I guess it doesn't hurt to try. *sigh* oh boy. Yall better pray for me.

"Weeee, can't be friends...."

So apparently my significant other doesn't want me to have male friends. Huh? I am a grown woman (well, getting there) how you gonna tell me who I can and can't be friends with!? He says he's a jealous person and he knows this so basically, no I can't have male friends. So we go back and forth about it, but not for too long because I don't even want to go there right at that moment.

This leaves me feeling torn. I don't want to be a hypocrite, because I have already said to him that I don't beleive that most men and women can be friends. It's not that I don't think it can't happen, but I just know from personal experience that it's not a good idea. With the exception of one or two people, all of the men I know are because I've either had something with them romantically, they wanted to and I didn't, or they messed with one of my friends. Those are the only men I really know and call "friends", so I can see why my man wouldn't want me being friends with them. Plus - not to toot my own horn or anything, it's just nature - if I proposed the idea of gettin down with the get down (you know what I mean) I can't think of too many of my "friends" that would decline. With that said, I didn't really have a strong argument as to why I should be able to hang out with these guys. I know that it's basically in my control as to whether something happens with them or not, but I can respect where he's coming from. I told him I would still be hanging out with them in groups though - not just me and another guy, but I don't really do that too much now.

See - this is why I enjoyed being single. I could do whatever I wanted and not have to take anoybody else's feelings into consideration. Of course now he can't have any female friends either, just to make it fair. Not that he can't have them, but he can't go out with them. What's a shame is I honestly don't even care, but hey - If I can't, he can't either! This is gonna be tough.