B!TCH!!!

Sometimes I don't know why people even want to be my friend - or even like me. I am SUCH a bitch sometimes. And you know what, the moodiness comes and goes so I try to keep it in check and respond appropriately, which may be the only reason I still have friends, honestly.

But do you sometimes just get comfortable with who you are and not want to change? Like - I know who I am, what I am, and I'm ok with that. Yes I can be a bitch, but not 100% of the time so I'm ok with that. But I know that as human beings we are supposed to grow and evolve and become better people (or so I've heard) but right now I'm just like...nah, I'm good right here.

The truth of the matter is, I am my first best friend and sometimes I just want to spend time alone. Not all the time, but when I need it - it's like REALLY important that I get it. So I get frustrated when people end up imposing, but they don't even know it. And I know it's easy to say "I'd just like to be alone right now." But sometimes people take it personally, then they get all emotional and shut down the next time you're ready to spend time with them again. Maybe I'm not giving people the benefit of the doubt, but it happens.

Now don't get me wrong, I SO appreciate the fact that I have people in my life that I CAN spend time with and talk to and care about - but sometimes I feel smothered by the slightest action - like a text message or some small request. Maybe it's just cuz I'm about to get my period and everything is getting on my nerves - yeah that might play a part. Ignore me, please.

My Indepenence, My Downfall

So I knew this was a weakness of mine, even though it seems like a strength at times. I have a problem asking for help. I know I do - I always have. I think I'm superwoman and can do any and everything by myself. Here's the problem - I really can't, and when I mess up I have no one to blame but myself. Recently at work, I was forced to do a self-assessment and realized that I am missing the mark on some of my objectives. If I would just open my freakin mouth and ask somebody instead of thinking I know it all and everything will work itself out, maybe I'd finally get that promotion I was whining about. I can't even be mad that I haven't gotten it yet - look at me, I take on all this responsibility and can't even handle what I have now - how would I handle more? So many issues would be avoided if I would just tell someone what's going on. What's wrong with me??

And this isn't a new issue, which means I am doing nothing to fix it! I remember my very first waitressing job at Applebee's, my manager stopped me in the kitchen one day and simply said "If you need help, just ask!" But I HATE asking for help!! It's a pride thing, I know it. I don't know why I can't fix it. And the funny thing is, this same attitude is part of the reason my fiance loves me. He loves that I can do things without him and don't need him for every little task. But even HE tells me to ask him for help if I need it - and I still don't usually do it.

I really have to do better. This is going to hinder me more than help me. It will take some work, but I know I have to make a change, or else I will be stuck and all I'll have is my pride to blame.

Sad Face

I'm not happy. I haven't been for a while now. Realistically, I don't know what will make me happy. Unrealistically, I do - but I can't control the world or other people so there's no sense in even exploring those options. I see how people go crazy, staying in a situation that isn't fulfilling their needs, but not leaving for the sake of being secure - be it a house, job, relationship, or whatever. But how do you find the courage to risk it all and leave it behind for something new? Since the future is a myth, it's such a gamble that you may even GET something new - or should I say, new and improved. I'm so scared to take a leap of faith for fear that it might take me in the wrong direction. I feel like I'm on a nice solid path right now, so if I veer to the left - will I hit a dead end? It's not knowing that drives me crazy. I don't want to go crazy - but I don't want to wonder "what-if" either. I really just don't know what to do. Even if someone gave me all the money in the world, it still wouldn't fix the way I feel - that's how I know it's serious. Happiness can't be bought - neither can sanity. Although they prescribe some pretty good substitutes I hear....

So many thoughts

I don't know if I beleive in the good in people.
I wonder if my dreams are trying to tell me something.
If this lady calls me one more time asking me questions that are NOT finance related, I swear....
I wonder if I was one of the people to get an A on the accounting mid-term.
I love having no plans for the weekend...until the weekend comes and I'm bored.
I wonder if I would be a good mother.
If I could see the future, would I want to look?
Sometimes I want to change for the better, other times I just don't care.
I need to hurry up and write this book.
Was it that candy that gave me this yucky feeling?
I know she keeps showing me the cakes she made because she wants to make one for my wedding. Sorry - no.
I am so tired of nobody knowing anything at this freaking job. WTF.
Where is 5:00?

No more what ifs

It's time to stop being afraid, stop procrastinating, stop wondering - and start doing. We don't have time to wonder "what if" anymore. It would be so much better to live your life knowing you did everything you could to make yourself happy and fulfill all your hopes, dreams and desires. No one wants to look back and have regrets or wonder what would have happened if i did this or that. If it is realistic and reasonable, I say go for it. That doesn't mean just do things because you want to do them and have no regard for the people in your life - no. I mean if it ain't hurting nobody and like the song says" "If it makes you happy - then it couldn't be that bad.." (drugs, alcohol, crime and destructive or violent behavior excluded). I mean, why wait? I'm not. Not anymore. I'm doing it.

Choices

We all have so many choices to make everyday - no wonder we're always stressed. I've tried to live by the mantra "It's not that serious", but it can't be like that ALL the time, right? I mean, I have a holistic point of view when it comes to most things - and in the big picture we live, we die and whatever is in between is up to us. Unfortunately my laid back attitude sometimes takes a break and I end up freaking out about something small, when really "it's not that serious".

My job: Yesterday for example, I made a mistake at work - wasn't that big of a deal, but I just hate doing something wrong. Why did I want to cry? I mean, I wasn't getting fired - nobody was complaining to my boss, so why did I feel like my world was about to crumble? I think I lack an emotional balance that is needed sometimes, and when I'm off balance, it's not a pretty sight. I really have to get it under control and choose when it's ok to be upset and when it's not.

My relationship: I'm newly engaged - and of course everybody knows. People at work know, and I have only been working at this particular site for 2.5 months now, so they only know what's on the surface when it comes to me. So this one lady I worked with called herself being helpful and gave me a wedding checklist and a wedding planning book. I thought that was really sweet. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I probably wouldn't need all that, so I just thanked her graciously. Then my manager, the lady, and I start talking about babies (the lady is having a baby in January). She nearly gave my manager a heart attack when she almost insinuated that I was with child (I just took over for a woman going on maternity leave, so she's hoping I'll be here for a hot minute at least). I told her to relax, I'm not having a baby yet. So the lady says "Yeah, we gotta get her another ring first! Not until AFTER the wedding." And my manager says "Well...not necessarily. Sometimes these things happen before!" And the lady says "No, I don't think she's like that - she seems like the planning type and won't let that happen." Ummm - wow. On the one hand, I was glad my manager had a realistic and modern view about the situation, and on the other hand I'm like ok...so now if I have a baby before I have a wedding, I already know how this other lady is going to look at me - thanks. When did it become ok to talk about my personal choices for my life and relationship at work? This is why I stay to myself.

My time: I have always had a selfish streak in me. I also have a very generous part of me too. Sometimes I give too much and want to do too much and who ends up suffering in the end...me. I have a full time job, I'm in school, I have family, friends and a fiance. Splitting my time between all of those areas as well as finding time to myself has been hard. I think back to when I lived alone in FL and only had a few things on my plate - those were good times. Sometimes I may have had TOO much time on my hands, but I don't know what's better - too much time to yourself, or not enough? I am looking forward to taking a vacation and relaxing. Everyday I have something to do - there's never a moment when I can say "I have nothing else I could be doing right now". Unfortunately, I don't think this will be changing any time soon. The only thing that is going away is school and that won't happen for a few more years. School will most likely be replaced by a baby - so my personal "me" time is pretty much on hold until retirement.


You know what I realized about choices though - nobody had all the answers and everybody needs to do what's best for them. For the most part, we're all good, smart people. You shouldn't beat yourself up for making a bad choice. I think that smart people do stupid things, stupid people do stupid things over and over again.

I wanna pinch their cheeks!

Old people are so cute sometimes! I love when an old person uses a young person term like in IM's or text messages and they say "LOL" or some other acronym that I never used with them for the fear that they wouldn't know WTF I was talking about. I think it's adorable. And it makes me respect them a little more - like "ok, you're not completely out-of-date!" Like when Tim Gunn was taught the phrase "Holla at cha boy" I loved when he said it! This older, white, gay, stiff man saying "Holler at ya boy!" - it's hilarious!

On the other hand, old people are NOT so cute when they try to be your friend - and they should be friends with people their own age, like closer to my parents age! Why is this man at work trying to befriend me and I'm like ewww. I mean, I know old men still think they can get it poppin with younger women (cuz some women like that) but I am not one. So this man at work keeps calling me and IM'ing me and I'm like "uuuhhhh, sir please stop." This is how our last convo went on the phone:

Me: Hell-o?
Him: Hey - yeah so I'm taking a few days off so I won't see you for awhile.
Me: Oh ok.
Him: Yeah, I need some rest. These folks in here tryna run me around all crazy.
Me: Mmhmm.
Him: Yeah, so we'll have to do lunch sometime when I get back next week.
Me: I won't be here.
Him: Ok, well when you get back then.
Me: Actually, I don't go out to lunch. I don't have time.
Him: Oh come on - you gotta make time for lunch! You can't let them work you too hard!
Me: I make time, but I bring my lunch and eat at my desk. I just don't like to go out.
Him: You mean you just don't want to go out with ME. Come on, it's just a co-worker thing!
Me: No it's not that. I just don't want to.
Him: Look, I just like hanging with cool people. I mean, it's not like that - don't you know I'm married!? And I see the ring, I ain't tryna cross no boundaries!
Me: *thinking to myself - "yeah you're married, but I bet she's not a PYT like me old perv"*
Yeah, I know I just don't want to.
Him: Ok then, I'll talk to you later.

I don't want to talk to him at all. I try to be as standoffish as I can without being outright rude, but it's about to get ugly.

Purpose Driven Life

What is your purpose in life? What motivates you to get up in the morning, go to work, do your job, stay healthy, etc.?

I read that book - A Purpose Driven Life - and it was pretty good. Living a Christian life and getting closer to God was basically the purpose it said we should have, and that's great. But I'm curious to know what some other motivating factors may be for people. I know some people have goals they want to achieve, children they want to raise, lives they want to save. I think I'm asking because I'm still looking for my purpose. Maybe that is just part of life's journey - finding your purpose; but I don't want to be 85 and wake up one day and say "OH - THAT'S what I should have been striving for my whole life!" Ya know? I kinda want to figure it out sooner than later - another day is not promised.

You know what....I love you.

Yes YOU!! My people!! I love the silent bond that the majority of us share (excluding Bill Cosby's daughter - she can't relate) with each other.

I just started a new job and without having to make an announcement in front of the whole company, it is understood that I am an woman of African-American decent. As soon as I walk down the halls, if I see another person similar to myself, there is an extra smile and "HELLO!" exchanged between us, along with the look saying "We got another one working here now!? Yes - hallelujah!" Even my people just walking down the hall past my office will take a few steps back to specifically say hey and introduce themselves. It's a shame people don't act like that outside of work :/

Nevertheless, I love it - and I love you. Keep the bond strong!

So it turns out...

I'm not as bourgie as I thought! I mean, I never thought I was completely bourgie - but the tendencies were there. After this weekend however, I think it's not so much a matter of being bourgie as it is a matter of being classy.

So on Friday I went to this club with some co-workers for a birthday celebration. A lot of people came and we had a VIP section reserved. I didn't know many of them personally, only through the job, so I tried to mingle a bit until my other friends got there. Now there were a lot of pretty girls in the group, and I've seen most of them at least once before but we don't know each other. So as soon as a couple of them walked up you could tell the feeling of entitlement that surrounded them. Now I like to give pretty ladies the benefit of the doubt and not write them off as stuck up just because they're attractive - because let's face it, I think I'm cute too but I know I'm not stuck up so I would hate for someone to think that about me. So I laughed it off and thought back to the times when I've sashayed past a long line of people to be ushered right in without having to show ID or paying an entrance fee. As much as I do enjoy that feeling, it wasn't necessary at that moment, so I didn't hate. When we got in the club, we all knew that we had VIP access, but for the time being we stayed on the first floor with everyone else and drank and socialized. The entitled girls however, didn't realize that none of us were going into the VIP area right away, so one of them almost went into the wrong VIP section just because she thought she'd rather be in VIP then to hang out with the common folk.

Anyway - as the night went on and the second floor of the club opened up, we were really getting into the groove of things and having a good time. I ended up dancing the night away, flirting and enjoying myself - I never even went to VIP once. I looked over and saw the entitled girls standing in this VIP section (that wasn't even our section) with these guys. I just laughed to myself because I thought "They'd rather chill in VIP all night with two guys they don't even know than to dance with their friends on their birthday with everyone else". Oh well - whatever floats your boat. Maybe I just like to dance more and have multiple guys buy me drinks and flirt than to be stuck in the same area with the same guys all night. I guess we're all different. I had a great time :)

The next day I had to do a favor and pick up my boyfriend's car that was parked in the downtown area of a nearby town. And I showed my true suburbanite brainwashing because when he asked me to do it my first response was "Well how am I supposed to get there?" What's worse is his response was "You can take a cab." Now we're both born and raised in big cities and it didn't even occur to us that there were other forms of public transportation, i.e. the bus, that worked just as well and for a lot less money! Then he said one of his friends could take me, but by then I realized that there was a bus stop right across the street and since I'd never taken it before in this area, it might be a nice adventure. So I did. And despite the two hour trip (which is only 15 minutes by car), the awful stench of the man next to me who had clearly been working hard all day with no deodorant, and the 300 pound woman in front of me who assaulted me with her belly and her purse - it was well worth the $1.35. And I was proud of myself that I haven't yet gone so far from my urban upbringing as to forget how to get in there and get things done with limited funds and resources.

All in all - I felt like a regular person this weekend. For awhile there, I almost forgot what it was like to not have access to the things and people that I have had for the past few years. I have been blessed enough to earn good money, have nice things, know important people and live the "good" life (well better than I did growing up anyway). I can be classy without being bourgie. See - it can be done!!!

Uneasy

So I was talking with a co-worker of mine yesterday. She's a few years younger and less experienced in life, love, and careers which is one of the reasons I talk to her - to give her some insight from my own experiences. So we were discussing her no-good cheating man and another male friend of ours:

Her: So he's a cheater too!!!??? He's no good??

Me: Please girl, what men are?

Her: NO! Don't say that! I still have hope that there are good ones out there.

Me: I don't. Sadly.

Her: Well, what about YOUR man? Is he good? You still have hope with him right?

Me: Honestly.......ok, yeah I guess. But let me be real with you - I HOPE he doesn't cheat on me. What I HOPE more, is that if he does I NEVER find out.

Her: I heard that.

But now I'm questioning myself. How much ignorance is really bliss? I mean, I'm not talking about having hard evidence and being in denial - but I'm more talking about do you just go off of faith and trust and hope, or do you go a little deeper and casually check on things to make sure everything is all good? Like is going through a cell phone an invasion of privacy, or a security measure? Popping up at a place you'll know he'll be - stalking or surprise inspection? To what extent do we just let things go? How long should you have blind faith?

I guess if there aren't any signs and no instinctual feelings of dishonesty, then you should leave well enough alone - but......

In-security

For the first time in a long time, I am feeling really, really insecure. Not in terms of looks or money or relationships - they're all great! :) But in terms of my mental capabilities and intelligence.

At work and in school, all of a sudden I need constant reassurance that I am doing a fantastic job. I think it wouldn't be as much of an issue if I was alright with being mediocre, but I'm really not (well not all the time). Suddenly I feel the need to be better - the best at everything I do at work and in school. With school its easy - do the work, get a grade and you know how well you're doing. With work it's not as simple, which is probably where the frustration comes into play.

Seeing as how I have been out of school for 5 years and working comfortably, I guess I got comfortable just moving along at a constant pace; not really too pressed on competing, honestly. I was secure in my position at work because I knew I was pretty good at what I did. Now, there are new challenges being passed my way, and I'm excited about taking them on, but the pressure to step up and perform has me a little anxious. I HATE to fail! I am never one to back down from something I think I will succeed at, so the pressure I put on myself is sometimes too much to handle, and it drives me a little crazy. I know I don't have to be perfect, I really do know this....but I can't help but to try. It's an illness.

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but I'm starting to re-evaluate my self-image. When did I become this way? Why do praise and perfect scores give me SO much pleasure and glee? I mean, of course I should be happy when I do well - that's fine. But when I don't do so well, I am SO hard on myself and it's my own fault. Nobody else cares as much and I'm really not letting anyone else down, but I take it so hard. I know I need to stop. I know I won't though. Maybe if I realize that making mistakes is part of the experience and you can only learn from that, it's not always as bad as it seems at the time. The problem is, I already know that and it still doesn't matter to me.

You know what the problem is - and this is a whole separate blog, so I'll just touch on it for a sec - it's my excessive personality disorder. I go to extremes; I either care too much, or not at all. I always go from one extreme to another with no time to find the middle ground. Maybe if I start working on that, everything else will fall into place. I just have to care enough to try and fix it.

Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number

So, all my life I've been short and I think that has played into why people have always thought that I was younger than I really am. I wouldn't say I have an old face either, but now that is starting to fade.

I used to always get people looking at me funny, then asking how old I was and being surprised when I say an age higher than what they were thinking. Those days are starting to fade away. Now when people look at me and ask how old I am, and I tell them to guess, they usually say "Mmmm, 26?" And I say "Oh.....Yes, actually." And it kinda makes me sad. I buy drinks with my ID out, and they say "Oh, that's ok - no need." They don't even look at it anymore :( Even the old perverted man down the hall who always says I'm cute like a high school cheerleader told me that I'm starting to look more grown up! Not you too Mr. Pedophile! I don't have any plans on trying to make myself look younger, and I'm ok with being 26 - but dang, it was like all of a sudden I went from looking 18 to looking my real age. What happened? What I do? DO I have wrinkles? Maybe these gray hairs aren't as cute as I thought.

Well, I'm still a young vibrant thing, no matter what they said. You're only as old as you feel - and I feel great - like a great 26 year old fabulous woman!

Oh happy day....

I love that song.


I had a whole other post written and ready to go - but I'm tired of sounding depressed or troubled all the time when I'm actually neither. So let's be happy today, shall we?

Ok, this is what I'm happy about:

Grad school is not as bad as I was making it out to be. I just was caught off guard and it upset me for a second, but I'm ok now. Last night's class was actually pretty good and I'm understanding this stuff better than I thought I would. It doesn't hurt that this is the second time around for this class (even though my first one was like 8 years ago - but I didn't even care back then). Hopefully I can get through this other seminar class without kirking out on anyone. I won't even dwell on the 10 books and articles I have to read in the next month - I'll just do it.

My love. Oh love. I try not to be all mushy and gushy about this, but every once in awhile I feel the need to put it out there - only because every day it gets better and it's unbelievable to me. There are so many small things that just add up so great. I try not to think about it too much just in case things ever change - wait, let me stay positive - let me just enjoy this while I have it. I thought love like this was fiction.

The weekend is almost here!!! I am SO happy. I have to go shopping for a few things, nothing major - but shopping always excites me. I just have to control myself and not spend more than I budgeted. That is always a challenge, but I'm up for it!

I can't wait until next weekend. Hanging with friends is always fun and this will be no exception. Not to mention taking a couple days off from work - who doesn't love that!?

Well, that's all the positive energy I can put forth this fine morning - enjoy your day people!

Spoiled Brat

I never thought I was a spoiled brat until 2006 around my birthday. I was turning 25 and I wanted to go celebrate at a particular place. When the place told me I couldn't celebrate there and there was nothing I could do about it - I darn near had a conniption! And I felt bad about it because I felt like I was pouting for something minor, and I felt like a baby.

The fact is - I don't like to be disappointed, I don't like my plans to be changed and I don't like for someone to tell me no. I mean, who does? But for some odd reason I have been taking those challenges really hard in recent times. When I was younger, either I didn't care as much, didn't get disappointed as much, or rarely got told no. Whatever the case may be, I never felt like a spoiled brat until NOW. Out of all of my flaws, this one bothers me most because it affects my mood and behavior extremely. I want to stop.

This week has been rough on me for numerous reasons. And the overall picture is that I am truly, truly blessed - so I have no real reason to complain. But when issue after issue was arising everyday, I felt like my world was crumbling and it took real effort to say "This is not THAT bad - it will pass, you are blessed, so cut it out." And I almost feel like I'm in some sort of movie or book and now this chapter is over. The storm has seemed to pass and I feel all better now. my problem now is that I need to figure out how to cope better with my emotions when I'm in the midst of the storm. I am so lucky to have a partner who knows this about me and accepts it, because when I say pouty, spoiled and bratty.....man, he gets the brunt of it and he doesn't even care.

I remember a friend once telling me how she was saying to someone how it seems like it's always something happening to her - and he told her "Yeah, it's called LIFE." I think that sums it up right there.

Every day can't be sunny. We need rain to make the flowers grow.

Just my thoughts....

- Complete and utter disbelief. How could this happen? WHY did this happen? How could someone be so STUPID! Sometimes I just don't understand why people do the things they do. I hope he knows what he lost. He will NEVER have something like that again. Ever. In life or death. The nerve of some people. She will be OK though. Better to have this happen now then later - right? I think.....I mean, I guess. This sucks.

- I have the heart of an artist and the head of a business woman. You can imagine how I cope in my corporate job. I yearn for freedom and personal expression without the fear of repercussions from "upper management" and the like. Just going outside for a short walk around the parking lot is so freeing to me. I hate being couped up in this box of an office - I think the cube was better; at least it wasn't enclosed.

- Is it fair for me to want to know everything? I mean, I guess people deserve their privacy and right to keep certain things to themselves - but I can't help the fact that I'm inquisitive (a nice way of saying nosy). I think because I've been lied to, deceived, and betrayed in the past, I feel like full disclosure is a prerequisite. Well, maybe not FULL disclosure - but definitely when requested by me. Because if I ask and you don't tell, it looks suspicious. You may just be holding back to keep me at bay - keep me "in check" or what have you. Little does he know - that only makes things worse. Telling me no or not telling me at all - you're probably better off giving me a fully loaded weapon. It probably would have been less painful for you that way.

P. O. P.

The power of prayer.

I watched this episode of the King of Queens and they went to church for the first time in awhile. Carrie ( the wife) prayed for a Church member to get better - and she also prayed to get these Gucci shoes she wanted. Her husband thought that was an abuse of prayer and she shouldn't do that....but she ended up getting a great deal on those shoes!

I recently hoped (not really prayed) for toaster at work. Lo and behold, a new toaster was put into the break room today!! I was ecstatic! Toasted bagels are SO much better! But anyway, I know that prayer works - well it has for me many many times. Some examples I can remember:

When I was like 6 or 7 - I wanted a My Little Pony for my birthday. I thought I was psychic when my Uncle actually gave it to me. I think I must have prayed first though.

When I was 14 I lost my sister's gold earring when she specifically told me NOT to wear them. I know I prayed hard that day, and sure enough I looked down and it was right at my feet.

When I was 18 the summer before my sophomore year of college, we were short on funds for my tuition. I got laid off from my summer job and I prayed that we would figure out a way to pay for school. That same day, I came home and my mom told me she was able to come up with the money.

When I was going through my first major break up, I prayed to God to not let me act a fool and kill that man - he's still alive (as far as I know). Thanks God.

With the arrival of this toaster at work, it reminds me to never give up hope. Even for the little things - God is always lookin out. Make sure to keep that in mind. I know I will.

Solar Energy

I miss Florida. Sometimes I do. Like, I'm glad to be where I am now, don't get me wrong - but there's something about that sunshine and warmth that touches a special side of me.

I remember my first week down there when I moved around this time 2 years ago. Everyday I woke up smiling and happy. Partly because it was a new adventure and I was excited, but the other part was the warmth and sunshine that made every day feel like a vacation. You just don't get that feeling everywhere. I think that's why I love vacations so much (warm ones). That feeling just makes me feel like I don't have a care in the world.

Summer has always been my favorite season. Spring and fall are ok - but those are the worst for my allergies. Winter - fuhgedaboutit. I love sitting on the porch or deck all day and into the night, enjoying the breeze and warmth while sipping on a cool drink and chit chatting with friends. I even love summer rain and the smell it leaves behind. For me, it's the best season there is.

That's why I miss Florida. I got to experience that feeling for a whole year and a half with no interruptions. I mean, some days did get chilly, but never to the point where I felt like the hawk was out! It even stayed lighter longer down there. And even though I was alone (and often bored) I was at peace and in my comfort zone. I want to visit, but I have no real reason. I guess that's what memories are for.

Maybe someday when I'm old and tired of aching bones and cold weather - me and my old man will go and retire down there with the rest of the blue haired ladies. The grandkids can come visit while we sit outside and drink lemonade. They can soak up the sun and take that energy back up north to store some for the winter months. Until then, I guess I'll bundle up, shovel snow, and sip hot cocoa in front of the fireplace. It's not like summer - but I guess it's not so bad after all.

Self-ish

Is being selfish a sin? Like, is it in the 10 commandments, or is it just frowned upon by society - and God? I know it's not always a good thing to be selfish, but I think I've used it more as a survival tactic as opposed to just having it as an unappealing characteristic. The way I see it, in the end, all you have is you really. I have people in my life that I'd like to think I can call on for anything if I ever need it; but the reality is, these people may not always be around or may not be in a position to help me. So how would I get along without their help? By relying on myself. And if I can find a way to do it on my own, why waste their time and have them help me?

Now that's one aspect of the selfishness - the other, not so pretty aspect is the emotional and mental side. When I make a decision, I am the person who has to live every day in and out with that decision. Since I know my emotions run high, I need to make the best decisions for my life so that I can live peacefully. This sometimes means putting myself, my needs, my wants, my feelings before others. Sometimes it works out well for all involved - and sometimes things get messy. This is a chance that I have to be willing to take in order to keep it together on the inside. Recently, I made a mess. It wasn't intentional, but now I see it was selfish. I gambled - and lost. I didn't lose it all, but I lost something I can't get back right away. I will have to work hard to gain it back and part of me (guess which part....the selfish part silly!) doesn't care. the other part of me (the loving caring part) cares deeply and wants to do whatever it takes to get it back.

Now the battle begins. If I let the selfish part of me win, I will eventually lose it all. In the big scheme of things, it's not worth losing everything over this one thing - I am well aware of this. The problem is letting my guard down and becoming vulnerable is not my strongest quality. I can do it, because I can do just about anything I put my mind to - but I just have to build up my emotional and mental reserves in order to get through this. Keep thinking long-term. I might lose the battle, but I'll win the war. I hate trying to be a good person. Ugh.

I'm every woman

So yesterday was fun - ok, fun is a bit exaggerated - yesterday was a pretty good day. I woke up feeling good, so that's always a plus. I had a talk with my manager about my career, family, kids, school, just my future in general. I told him more than I've even told my own mother and best friends! But it had to happen that way. I'm an honest person, and if you ask me - most likely I will tell you what you want to know. Now I know how to hold back certain details that may be nunya, but I'll give you the meat and potatoes of it.



So it's funny - during the conversation when we mentioned kids, he said to me "Once you have kids, your career won't mean as much to you anymore - your priorities change." and I had two reactions to this statement. 1.) WTF you mean my career won't matter to me as much!? This is how I plan on financially supporting my family and I want them to want for nothing! I have to be concerned about my career if I want to be able to take care of my dang kids! Don't give me that mess just because I'm a woman!! 2.) You're darn right my career won't matter as much! I already have things in my life NOW that come before my career - so my own flesh and blood kids that come from my loins - - they will most definitely come before this or any other job!! So instead of blurting out either of these thoughts, I just smiled and nodded. He also suggested in a fatherly manner that I finish grad school before having kids - uuh, that's not for another 4 years and I have a plan Sir. See, this is when opening up too much comes back to bite you in the arse. NOW, if I have a baby before I finish school, I'll feel like I let him down. Ultimately I don't care, but I hate that feeling in the interim. All I could think was "Alicia does it!!". I wanted to say that to him, but again - smile and nod.



I was so fired up about being able to accomplish it all, that now I feel I have something to prove. So then, once I got home around 8:00, I wanted to hurry up and make dinner so I could hurry up and relax so I could hurry up and go to sleep (only to hurry up and feel like I am waking up 10 minutes later). Normally my boyfriend takes a shower, I cook, we eat, I take a shower. Last night though, on my hurry up plan, I decided I didn't want to wait - so he jumped in the shower, I started dinner, timed it just right, I jumped in the shower then came back and finished cooking. He just came out the shower when I was saying "dinner's ready!" He looked at me and said "WTF - you Superwoman or something!?"



Smile and nod.