B!TCH!!!

Sometimes I don't know why people even want to be my friend - or even like me. I am SUCH a bitch sometimes. And you know what, the moodiness comes and goes so I try to keep it in check and respond appropriately, which may be the only reason I still have friends, honestly.

But do you sometimes just get comfortable with who you are and not want to change? Like - I know who I am, what I am, and I'm ok with that. Yes I can be a bitch, but not 100% of the time so I'm ok with that. But I know that as human beings we are supposed to grow and evolve and become better people (or so I've heard) but right now I'm just like...nah, I'm good right here.

The truth of the matter is, I am my first best friend and sometimes I just want to spend time alone. Not all the time, but when I need it - it's like REALLY important that I get it. So I get frustrated when people end up imposing, but they don't even know it. And I know it's easy to say "I'd just like to be alone right now." But sometimes people take it personally, then they get all emotional and shut down the next time you're ready to spend time with them again. Maybe I'm not giving people the benefit of the doubt, but it happens.

Now don't get me wrong, I SO appreciate the fact that I have people in my life that I CAN spend time with and talk to and care about - but sometimes I feel smothered by the slightest action - like a text message or some small request. Maybe it's just cuz I'm about to get my period and everything is getting on my nerves - yeah that might play a part. Ignore me, please.

My Indepenence, My Downfall

So I knew this was a weakness of mine, even though it seems like a strength at times. I have a problem asking for help. I know I do - I always have. I think I'm superwoman and can do any and everything by myself. Here's the problem - I really can't, and when I mess up I have no one to blame but myself. Recently at work, I was forced to do a self-assessment and realized that I am missing the mark on some of my objectives. If I would just open my freakin mouth and ask somebody instead of thinking I know it all and everything will work itself out, maybe I'd finally get that promotion I was whining about. I can't even be mad that I haven't gotten it yet - look at me, I take on all this responsibility and can't even handle what I have now - how would I handle more? So many issues would be avoided if I would just tell someone what's going on. What's wrong with me??

And this isn't a new issue, which means I am doing nothing to fix it! I remember my very first waitressing job at Applebee's, my manager stopped me in the kitchen one day and simply said "If you need help, just ask!" But I HATE asking for help!! It's a pride thing, I know it. I don't know why I can't fix it. And the funny thing is, this same attitude is part of the reason my fiance loves me. He loves that I can do things without him and don't need him for every little task. But even HE tells me to ask him for help if I need it - and I still don't usually do it.

I really have to do better. This is going to hinder me more than help me. It will take some work, but I know I have to make a change, or else I will be stuck and all I'll have is my pride to blame.