He's never seen me cry. In 27 months - not even once. One one hand, it's a good thing. I would take it to mean that he's never done anything to seriously upset me. On the other hand, I know there have been one or two occasions where I fought back tears for the simple fact that I felt like I was being too sensitive.
I used to be a crybaby. My dad used to tease me about it, and I used to feel bad about wanting to cry all the time. Somewhere in my early twenties, I decided that it was ok for me to cry if I felt the need. Shoot - I have feelings and I need to express myself though whatever means necessary! But I think somewhere after the end of my last relationship, I decided it was ok for me to cry alone, but not in front of a man. I know - issues. It should be ok for me to let down my guard in front of the person I love and share my life with, but I just don't want to - not yet anyway. I remember in high school I had a guy friend who I used to chat with and we were cool - nothing romantic. One day we had some email survey and one question asked if we'd ever seen the other person cry. His answer about me was "No - I can't even imagine her crying." Now, at this point, I was still very much a crier; but to hear him say that made me feel like "Wow - I like that. I don't want anybody to picture me crying!"
Since I used to cry so much and have gone back and forth about letting it out or holding it in, I am starting to notice that I have much better control over when the tears come. Even when my eyes get watery, there's a lump in my throat, and I can't look someone in the eye - I know what to do to make it go away before they notice. Once they notice, it's all over and the flood gates shoot wide open. I just think that I've cried so much, I don't waste tears anymore. There are so many problems in the world that sometimes I feel like crying over spilled milk (or chocolate or whatever makes me upset at the moment) is just not worth it. Now I save my crying for movies and commercials that touch me when I'm PMS-ing. Then, it' not even under my control - but I still do it alone.
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4 comments:
this post is sad. i don't think i've ever seen you cry... have i? i don't cry a lot but i def think i do enough. maybe once or twice a year. that seems about right for me.
and maybe it's a vulnerability thing? he isn't going to think less of you or change his view on you. he'll still love you and know you're strong.
Yeah, it is sad *tear*.
I think it is a vulnerability thing, and it's like I don't want to lose the control I feel like I have by holding back tears. As soon as I do, I think I'll feel like I lost some leverage and power.
Nope, I don't think too many of my friends have seen me cry. Maybe Dee, but I don't even know.
You feel so much better when you cry. When you dont have emotions and cry, to me you seem so (not YOU exactly)stone cold.
It may make your attitude better to let it out.
Its ok cry baby, cry.
I do cry - just not in front of too many people. I guess that might seem a little cold, huh?
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