FEED ME!!!

I love to eat. And this is why America is so fat - well, not just because "I" like to eat, but a lot of us do. I don't know WHY food is so pleasing to me and a lot of other people, but IT IS!! It's like "mmm, this tastes so good and I just want it to linger on my tongue and fill up my stomach and give me feelings of pleasure". And then, if it's something bad i.e. high calorie/fat/sugar etc. then before I eat it, I'm rationlizing like "Ok - WHY CAN'T I EAT WHATEVER I WANT!? IT'S MY LIFE AND MY BODY!! IF IT MAKES ME HAPPY WHO CARES!!?? I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY!!" Yeah, I get mad. Only because I know that those few moments of bliss with me and that food, will mean even longer moments of misery with me and the mirror or me and my clothes. If I didn't care about the way I look, I swear I would eat whatever I want and just be fat. I mean, there's the health aspect of it too, but maybe because I'm generally healthy, I can't relate to that side as much. If I started to become un-healthy, then maybe I would eat better for those reasons too.

In the meantime - I struggle with food and weight. There's a quote that says "Nothing tastes as good as skinny" and while I understand that "skinny" here should be understood to mean 'a healthy weight for your body type' I am not sure how much I agree. I remember this one time when I was at work, I had on a new pair of jeans that were a size 2 (I know! I know!) and I think that's when people really noticed that I lost weight and everybody kept commenting on how skinny I looked. It felt good honestly. And I remember in that moment, I agreed with that quote. There's another time, however, when I was eating at this restaurant and the food was absolutley mouthwatering - not to mention the decadent dessert afterwards. In that moment, I didn't give two sh!ts about those size 2 jeans. But just last week, I put on a shirt that clung to my body a little too tight and showed every little buldge - and then I cared again. I REFUSE to buy bigger clothes because that just masks the issue, it doesn't solve it. I did that in college and that's why I STILL have jeans that say size 10 in my closet :(

Moderation is the key, I know this - but it's easier said than done. I have an excessive personality somewhat, and I overdo it sometimes. I can't just have ONE! I am learning though, and I am disciplined, so I will get through this and hopefully live a healthy lifestyle forever - but I feel like a food addict on some one-day-at-a-time steeze. *Sigh* I mean, if that's what it takes then so be it - but what I wouldn't give to just eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and stay the same size forever. I guess we all have dreams. I think I would even give up sex if I could eat anything and not gain weight - yes, it's that serious. Sex is good, but food is better. Sorry fellas.