Ice Queen

I think I'm numb. It must be a survival instinct or something. Sometimes I just don't feel ANYTHING. And I'm starting to feel like this blog is full of depressing posts, but oh well. Maybe things will pick up in the next few months or so.

Anyway, yeah so I'm numb. I used to think that I could turn it on and off depending on the situation, but now I'm starting to think it's not all under my control. Like, sometimes I want to feel something, and I try to force it and fake it, but it's really just not there. It scares me a little - the fact that I can be so detached from my emotions when I KNOW that I am a naturally comapssionate and sensitive person most of the time. Sometimes I have to check myself and make sure I'm not suffering from depression. I used to think that depression meant I would be moping around and sad all the time, but now I know that it can manifest itself in many ways. I don't think that's what this is right now though. I think it's my emotions taking a back seat so that I don't blackout on somebody (if you know what I mean). So maybe I should thank my emotions for knowing when to chill out. Thanks :)

P.S. - Babyface is absolutely wonderful. I forgot how great his songs were. Just thought I'd mention that.

Rush, rush, rush

When I was a waitress for the first time, I had my evaluation with the manager after awhile of being there and he said that sometimes I lacked a sense of urgency. I thought to myslef "well yeah, cuz I don't care that much. They'll get it when it's ready." And you know what, I feel that way about most things (unless it comes to MY food, or anything that has to do with satisfying me, then I want it yesterday and now is not soon enough). But even with the job I have now, it's like "Chill - it will get done, just relax!" I just don't feel the need to rush things at work.

Now sometimes I do get a burst of energy and I'm under pressure so it's exciting to run around trying to get work done - but that's not the norm at my job. I'm glad I changed my mind about being an investment banker - you can't be so laid back when it comes to millions of dollars of people's money. I decided yesterday that I want a profession that is all about making people feel good and enjoy life. Like a spa or something, but with a more upbeat feel. That's why I want to open a restaurant/lounge - I want people to have fun and enjoy themselves like I do! Eating, drinking and dancing are my favorite things to do outside of the house (oh can't forget shopping).

So come on everybody - let's eat, drink and be merry! And for heavens sake, slow down and enjoy life - what's the hurry?

Conflict and Compromise

These are two things that are present in most relationships. The question is, how balanced are they? It's never good for there to be more of one than the other and definitely not coming from one person more than another. I personally think that you haven't truly bonded with a person until you've had your first fight, and made up. I can't even really call you a good friend until we've fought at least one time.

I am a very non-confrontational person. I absolutely HATE to argue. It just makes me uneasy. Now don't take that to mean that I'm passive - no no no. If there is something I feel strongly enough about, I will argue my point when necessary - but most times I like to find a resolution to the problem without anger and frustration. That's what bothers me. I like to discuss things like two (or however many) rational people - not a bunch of screaming idiots.

My question is, when there is conflict and you want to come to some sort of compromise, but you and the other person are so extremely opposed to each other's solution, how much compromise can be made? Any compromise would leave the other person feeling like they lost out, and that's never a good feeling. It's one thing to do something to make someone else happy because you care about them, but making someone else happy at the expense of your own happiness is something I just can't condone and I never will (unless it's like your kid or something, then there are exceptions). You know what I'm saying though? Like, how much can you give in before you feel like you gave up and lost?

Pieces of me

I love that song by Ashlee Simpson.

There are many peices of me and unless you've spent every moment of my life with me, you will never see them all. I'm sitting here listening to my ipod at work and a song came on that made me happy. I had this goofy smile on my face and started bopping in my seat. I just had to laugh at how silly I looked. This is why I'm my own best friend (and my own worst enemy) cuz I can act any way I want to without having to explain myself or apologizing for my actions.

I can be silly.

I can be snotty.

I can be sensitive.

I can be a bitch.

I can be soft.

I can be hard.

I can be innocent.

I can be evil.

I can be anything I want to be at any moment.

I don't like to show all the good parts to everyone all the time, because I hate it when people fall in love with me. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. My tolerance for people is not very high, so I like to keep most people at a comfrotable distance. If I show them my goods, they want to be around me all the time and I'm too tempermental for all that. I love my close friends and family, but that's all I have room for - sorry. But who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll feel different.

Fear Factor

No, not the show. But what's your biggest fear? I'll tell you mine. Not sky diving (I plan on doing that for one of my birthday's Lord willing), or bugs (although I HATE them, yuck) - it's being unhappy. That is my biggest fear. I think that explains so much about my personality.

I am indecisive, non-confrontational and slightly self-absorbed - but all of these are basically because I just want to be happy.

I have trouble making decisions because I am afraid of making the wrong one and not being happy.

I hate conflict because it makes people angry and I just want everyone to get along and be happy.

I am slightly self-absorbed because I hate relying on anybody else to do anything for me thereby giving them the opportunity to disappoint me and do what....that's right, make me unhappy.

See the pattern? I am kinda pessimistic because I feel like if I keep my expectations low, there is less room for me to be let down. With everything I do, that fear is always in the back of my mind. With friends, family, men, food, shopping - EVERYTHING. I HATE being unhappy. Well, then again who likes to be miserable? It's just that I am a very emotional and sensitive person, so when I feel something, most of the time I feel it very deeply. I often distance myself in order to not feel things so strongly, or else it will take over my whole being! Ok, that's kinda extreme - but I do feel deep. That's why unhappiness doesn't just come and go. It lingers and manifests itself into my daily activites, no matter what the source. So, please bear with me when I can't make up my mind, or try to be the peace keeper, or even when I'm acting like a spoiled little bitch. I just want to be happy!

Something's not right.

You ever have one of those days, where it seems like something is wrong but you don't know what? Yeah, well that's today. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something is off. I can speculate as to what the cause of this uneasiness is, but I really don't know.

Is it work? Hormones? Family? Friends? Lover(s)? - Just kidding, there's only one. I really don't know.

Maybe the lady at work put something in the brownies she made today. I knew I shouldn't have eaten it - I don't even like nuts.

I hope it passes. I just want to have an easy day - I don't need this mess.

Chocoholic

Hello, my name is Coco - and I'm a chocoholic.
*Hi Coco*

So I've realized that I really do have an addiction to chocolate. It's not even that it's a chocolate addiction, but it's sugar - and chocolate just happens to be my substance of choice. After every meal, I NEED a piece of chocolate. I won't feel right without it. I re-discovered this problem last week, so I decided to try and break the addiction. I ate every meal and did NOT have any chocolate afterwards. And you know what......I survived. After a few days, I didn't even crave it anymore.

Now this is a new week and my period is about to come on soon, so all bets are off and chocolate is back in the mix.

I think this addiction is not so bad though. It doesn't interfere in my daily life, hasn't caused me to lose lots of money or ruin my relationships (or my figure *wink*), so maybe I have it under control. One thing I will say it has caused is stains. Since I need it everyday, I try to keep it handy. I usually keep it at home, at work, in my purse, and I used to keep it in the car until I opened my glove box and it was all melted. See, that's where the problem comes in. I've had melted chocolate in my purse, on my bedspread, towels, couch, clothes and everything else. Chocolate stains are not pretty. It looks like doodoo, and is hard to get out if you don't pretreat and wet right away. So, I will work on the stains, but as for my addiction - can't stop, won't stop.

Is it the way....

Text messages that say "I love you baby!"

Kisses while I sleep.

Massages in the dark.

Holding my hand while walking down the street.

Calling me in the middle of your Madden/Poker/Football game.

Rubbing my eyebrows while we lay in bed and stare at each other.

Watching Flavor of Love or some other ridiculous show with me.

Bringing me chocolate when I didn't even ask.

Giving up "guys' night out" to be with me.

Calling me "baby" and "boo boo".

I love you too.

"Weeee, can't be friends...."

So apparently my significant other doesn't want me to have male friends. Huh? I am a grown woman (well, getting there) how you gonna tell me who I can and can't be friends with!? He says he's a jealous person and he knows this so basically, no I can't have male friends. So we go back and forth about it, but not for too long because I don't even want to go there right at that moment.

This leaves me feeling torn. I don't want to be a hypocrite, because I have already said to him that I don't beleive that most men and women can be friends. It's not that I don't think it can't happen, but I just know from personal experience that it's not a good idea. With the exception of one or two people, all of the men I know are because I've either had something with them romantically, they wanted to and I didn't, or they messed with one of my friends. Those are the only men I really know and call "friends", so I can see why my man wouldn't want me being friends with them. Plus - not to toot my own horn or anything, it's just nature - if I proposed the idea of gettin down with the get down (you know what I mean) I can't think of too many of my "friends" that would decline. With that said, I didn't really have a strong argument as to why I should be able to hang out with these guys. I know that it's basically in my control as to whether something happens with them or not, but I can respect where he's coming from. I told him I would still be hanging out with them in groups though - not just me and another guy, but I don't really do that too much now.

See - this is why I enjoyed being single. I could do whatever I wanted and not have to take anoybody else's feelings into consideration. Of course now he can't have any female friends either, just to make it fair. Not that he can't have them, but he can't go out with them. What's a shame is I honestly don't even care, but hey - If I can't, he can't either! This is gonna be tough.

Deja Vu

"...Baby I can't go anywhere
Without thinking that you're there
Seems like you're everywhere, it's true
Gotta be having Deja Vu'
Cause in my mind I want you here
Get on the next plane, I don't care
Is it because I'm missing you
That I'm having Deja Vu!

Boy, I try to catch myself
But I'm out of control
Your sexiness is so appealing
I can't let it go..."

That pretty much sums it up. Not that I think he's everywhere I go, but I wish he was. It's Friday and I want to go on a date. My date partner is 956.64 miles away. This long distance thing is crazy. Hopefully if everything works out, I will be closer soon. Then I'll have everything I want: good family, friends, job and man all within reach. *sigh* In due time......

I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!

One thing I can't stand is for someone I care about to be upset or done wrong. It's one thing if I'm the one that upset them - then, well....that's different. I can apologize and we can move on. But if someone else does it - I want to physically hurt them in order for them for feel the same pain my loved one has felt. I remember one time when I was little, my grandmom won the lottery; it was a small amount, but she went to collect it from the store where she bought the ticket. She said the lady (or man, whoever) gave her a hard time and wouldn't give her the money. I wanted to go down there and kick that cashier's teeth down their throat! Now my grandmom is a grown woman and can take up for herself just fine, but I still remember the rage I felt. It hasn't stopped yet.

So when I heard about a certain individual doing my loved one dirty - AGAIN - I was heated. I want to tear him apart limb by limb, but I know this isn't feasible. I just don't understand people sometimes. I said that before didn't I? Well, it's because I really don't! Now what I do understand is that sometimes, your feelings will get hurt. It happens to everybody. What doesn't need to happen is for your feelings to be played with, tossed around, then thrown in the street like trash. Nobody deserves that - well he does now that he's done this again. I believe in karma and he will definitely get his. Maybe he is getting it right now and this situation that he chose to put himself in is what he deserves. This situation really has nothing to do with me, so I can only vent my anger here and K.I.M. I just hate when selfishness and stupidity come in one spineless, fat, stupid package and get dropped of at your doorstep and you're left dealing with the repercussions. Ugh.

GET A F*CKING COUGH DROP!!!! GOD!!!

You know, in China they won't even let you come to work if you're sick - yup. They're smart -bad drivers- but smart. Why on earth would you come spreading your germs to all of your co-workers to make them sick and then THEY have to take time off like you should have been taking!? Ugh! She makes me so sick! (no pun intended) I think tomorrow I'm going to bring a pack of cough drops and leave them on her desk. Maybe she'll get the hint. We've been back at work what, three days so far - and she's been coughing non-stop. I mean, granted she may not feel sick, but she don't sound healthy. I swear I had bronchitis one time, but I only had coughing fits at night. But you best belive if I was coughing at work, I would not be coughing up a lung and staying at work for everyone to hear it and catch the cooties. I don't get people some times. Take care of YOU first. If you're not healthy, you aren't doing anybody any good. And if you are making everybody else sick, you are causing harm so you just suck all around. And she's not a very nice person anyway, so it's making me even more mad. I have to keep my headphones on so i don't hear the hacking and accidentaly scream out "GO THE F#CK HOME IF YOU'RE THAT SICK! LORD! GET A F*CKING COUGH DROP ALREADY!!!"

Poppin bottles and cherries in the '07

Ok, so this is my first blog. I don't really do this because I'm too lazy to get all my thoughts out on...paper? No, in a blog. Whatever. I do have a lot to say though. I'll start here.

There's a quote from Roseanne that goes "I consider myself a pretty good judge of character, that's why I don't like none of them." I rememebered that ever since I was younger because I felt the exact same way. I feel like I have a REALLY good perception of people's character and overall aura and vibe. You know the saying real recognizes real - it's true. And even beyond that, real recognizes fake too. I get vibes from people as soon as I meet them, and there's little they can do to change the way I feel about them once that vibe sets in. Now, it's up to me to act accordingly once I pick up on said vibe, but I'm learning as I get older how to deal with certain people. You ever meet somebody or see somebody and just think "I don't like them." or "He/she seems really nice." I do that with everybody I meet and I'm coming to realize that I'm usually right. If I don't like you, it's for good reason even if I don't know it yet. Now there has been the occasion where I got blindsided by a long term friend who switches up on you and you don't even see the knife being thrown into your back - but this is rare and since we met when we were young, my skills weren't fully developed and I couldn't determine good from evil from jumpstreet. Another example is my ex. When I met him, my mind said "ooh girl, he is NO good for you." But I messed with him anyway just because - and look how that turned out
:(
But I digress. Can I turn this into a career somehow? I think I'm really good at it, but I don't know how I can use it for a good purpose. Maybe in HR or something. I just need to be a hiring manager so I can put people where they belong. I need to put this power to good use!

Hasta luego mis amigos!!