For the first time in a long time, I am feeling really, really insecure. Not in terms of looks or money or relationships - they're all great! :) But in terms of my mental capabilities and intelligence.
At work and in school, all of a sudden I need constant reassurance that I am doing a fantastic job. I think it wouldn't be as much of an issue if I was alright with being mediocre, but I'm really not (well not all the time). Suddenly I feel the need to be better - the best at everything I do at work and in school. With school its easy - do the work, get a grade and you know how well you're doing. With work it's not as simple, which is probably where the frustration comes into play.
Seeing as how I have been out of school for 5 years and working comfortably, I guess I got comfortable just moving along at a constant pace; not really too pressed on competing, honestly. I was secure in my position at work because I knew I was pretty good at what I did. Now, there are new challenges being passed my way, and I'm excited about taking them on, but the pressure to step up and perform has me a little anxious. I HATE to fail! I am never one to back down from something I think I will succeed at, so the pressure I put on myself is sometimes too much to handle, and it drives me a little crazy. I know I don't have to be perfect, I really do know this....but I can't help but to try. It's an illness.
I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but I'm starting to re-evaluate my self-image. When did I become this way? Why do praise and perfect scores give me SO much pleasure and glee? I mean, of course I should be happy when I do well - that's fine. But when I don't do so well, I am SO hard on myself and it's my own fault. Nobody else cares as much and I'm really not letting anyone else down, but I take it so hard. I know I need to stop. I know I won't though. Maybe if I realize that making mistakes is part of the experience and you can only learn from that, it's not always as bad as it seems at the time. The problem is, I already know that and it still doesn't matter to me.
You know what the problem is - and this is a whole separate blog, so I'll just touch on it for a sec - it's my excessive personality disorder. I go to extremes; I either care too much, or not at all. I always go from one extreme to another with no time to find the middle ground. Maybe if I start working on that, everything else will fall into place. I just have to care enough to try and fix it.
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Just my thoughts
6 comments:
i'm with you on getting a lot of happiness from good grades. it comtributes to your self-esteem, makes you feel like a worthwhile and productive person in society. but yeah, the pressure you put on yourself may keep you from just enjoying the process of learning and growing. it's not so much about the final outcome as it is about how you got that there, how you were able to do the work.
It's hard to remember that in the moment - that's what I need to work on.
i know it is... well just fuck it then and do you haha insecurities and all. it's a part of life.
we are our own worst critic. Thats what pushes us to do better. Your the best. how did that make you feel. I hope better for a second.
You are the best!! And keep saying that to yourself every day until you internalize it. I know it's easier said than done especially when we were taught since birth that As, winners, and perfection are the only things that matter. Well that thinking is all wrong! BUT how do we retrain our minds to apprecaite the misstakes, and the learning & the process as octoberwildchild mentioned? I would say that you don't have a personality disorder and that you are not insecure. Just maybe try to learn to welcome the "not-knowing" and the "uncertainties" and turn them around into something useful...sort of like a sick game LOL.
lol - thanks for the reassurance ladies.
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