You know what....I love you.

Yes YOU!! My people!! I love the silent bond that the majority of us share (excluding Bill Cosby's daughter - she can't relate) with each other.

I just started a new job and without having to make an announcement in front of the whole company, it is understood that I am an woman of African-American decent. As soon as I walk down the halls, if I see another person similar to myself, there is an extra smile and "HELLO!" exchanged between us, along with the look saying "We got another one working here now!? Yes - hallelujah!" Even my people just walking down the hall past my office will take a few steps back to specifically say hey and introduce themselves. It's a shame people don't act like that outside of work :/

Nevertheless, I love it - and I love you. Keep the bond strong!

So it turns out...

I'm not as bourgie as I thought! I mean, I never thought I was completely bourgie - but the tendencies were there. After this weekend however, I think it's not so much a matter of being bourgie as it is a matter of being classy.

So on Friday I went to this club with some co-workers for a birthday celebration. A lot of people came and we had a VIP section reserved. I didn't know many of them personally, only through the job, so I tried to mingle a bit until my other friends got there. Now there were a lot of pretty girls in the group, and I've seen most of them at least once before but we don't know each other. So as soon as a couple of them walked up you could tell the feeling of entitlement that surrounded them. Now I like to give pretty ladies the benefit of the doubt and not write them off as stuck up just because they're attractive - because let's face it, I think I'm cute too but I know I'm not stuck up so I would hate for someone to think that about me. So I laughed it off and thought back to the times when I've sashayed past a long line of people to be ushered right in without having to show ID or paying an entrance fee. As much as I do enjoy that feeling, it wasn't necessary at that moment, so I didn't hate. When we got in the club, we all knew that we had VIP access, but for the time being we stayed on the first floor with everyone else and drank and socialized. The entitled girls however, didn't realize that none of us were going into the VIP area right away, so one of them almost went into the wrong VIP section just because she thought she'd rather be in VIP then to hang out with the common folk.

Anyway - as the night went on and the second floor of the club opened up, we were really getting into the groove of things and having a good time. I ended up dancing the night away, flirting and enjoying myself - I never even went to VIP once. I looked over and saw the entitled girls standing in this VIP section (that wasn't even our section) with these guys. I just laughed to myself because I thought "They'd rather chill in VIP all night with two guys they don't even know than to dance with their friends on their birthday with everyone else". Oh well - whatever floats your boat. Maybe I just like to dance more and have multiple guys buy me drinks and flirt than to be stuck in the same area with the same guys all night. I guess we're all different. I had a great time :)

The next day I had to do a favor and pick up my boyfriend's car that was parked in the downtown area of a nearby town. And I showed my true suburbanite brainwashing because when he asked me to do it my first response was "Well how am I supposed to get there?" What's worse is his response was "You can take a cab." Now we're both born and raised in big cities and it didn't even occur to us that there were other forms of public transportation, i.e. the bus, that worked just as well and for a lot less money! Then he said one of his friends could take me, but by then I realized that there was a bus stop right across the street and since I'd never taken it before in this area, it might be a nice adventure. So I did. And despite the two hour trip (which is only 15 minutes by car), the awful stench of the man next to me who had clearly been working hard all day with no deodorant, and the 300 pound woman in front of me who assaulted me with her belly and her purse - it was well worth the $1.35. And I was proud of myself that I haven't yet gone so far from my urban upbringing as to forget how to get in there and get things done with limited funds and resources.

All in all - I felt like a regular person this weekend. For awhile there, I almost forgot what it was like to not have access to the things and people that I have had for the past few years. I have been blessed enough to earn good money, have nice things, know important people and live the "good" life (well better than I did growing up anyway). I can be classy without being bourgie. See - it can be done!!!

Uneasy

So I was talking with a co-worker of mine yesterday. She's a few years younger and less experienced in life, love, and careers which is one of the reasons I talk to her - to give her some insight from my own experiences. So we were discussing her no-good cheating man and another male friend of ours:

Her: So he's a cheater too!!!??? He's no good??

Me: Please girl, what men are?

Her: NO! Don't say that! I still have hope that there are good ones out there.

Me: I don't. Sadly.

Her: Well, what about YOUR man? Is he good? You still have hope with him right?

Me: Honestly.......ok, yeah I guess. But let me be real with you - I HOPE he doesn't cheat on me. What I HOPE more, is that if he does I NEVER find out.

Her: I heard that.

But now I'm questioning myself. How much ignorance is really bliss? I mean, I'm not talking about having hard evidence and being in denial - but I'm more talking about do you just go off of faith and trust and hope, or do you go a little deeper and casually check on things to make sure everything is all good? Like is going through a cell phone an invasion of privacy, or a security measure? Popping up at a place you'll know he'll be - stalking or surprise inspection? To what extent do we just let things go? How long should you have blind faith?

I guess if there aren't any signs and no instinctual feelings of dishonesty, then you should leave well enough alone - but......

Who am I?

I am a benevolent visionsary.

Well that's what my personal DNA says anyway.....



Try it - if you'd like: http://www.personaldna.com

OMG

Who says that out loud?? Somebody did the other day and I cracked up. Instead of laughing will we just say LOL now too?

I am in a good mood today. Well it was better like 15 minutes ago, but it's still ok. I'm just ready for the weekend. I'm ready for every weekend all the time! I don't really have anything to report - so go be happy!

In-security

For the first time in a long time, I am feeling really, really insecure. Not in terms of looks or money or relationships - they're all great! :) But in terms of my mental capabilities and intelligence.

At work and in school, all of a sudden I need constant reassurance that I am doing a fantastic job. I think it wouldn't be as much of an issue if I was alright with being mediocre, but I'm really not (well not all the time). Suddenly I feel the need to be better - the best at everything I do at work and in school. With school its easy - do the work, get a grade and you know how well you're doing. With work it's not as simple, which is probably where the frustration comes into play.

Seeing as how I have been out of school for 5 years and working comfortably, I guess I got comfortable just moving along at a constant pace; not really too pressed on competing, honestly. I was secure in my position at work because I knew I was pretty good at what I did. Now, there are new challenges being passed my way, and I'm excited about taking them on, but the pressure to step up and perform has me a little anxious. I HATE to fail! I am never one to back down from something I think I will succeed at, so the pressure I put on myself is sometimes too much to handle, and it drives me a little crazy. I know I don't have to be perfect, I really do know this....but I can't help but to try. It's an illness.

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but I'm starting to re-evaluate my self-image. When did I become this way? Why do praise and perfect scores give me SO much pleasure and glee? I mean, of course I should be happy when I do well - that's fine. But when I don't do so well, I am SO hard on myself and it's my own fault. Nobody else cares as much and I'm really not letting anyone else down, but I take it so hard. I know I need to stop. I know I won't though. Maybe if I realize that making mistakes is part of the experience and you can only learn from that, it's not always as bad as it seems at the time. The problem is, I already know that and it still doesn't matter to me.

You know what the problem is - and this is a whole separate blog, so I'll just touch on it for a sec - it's my excessive personality disorder. I go to extremes; I either care too much, or not at all. I always go from one extreme to another with no time to find the middle ground. Maybe if I start working on that, everything else will fall into place. I just have to care enough to try and fix it.