Sad Face

I'm not happy. I haven't been for a while now. Realistically, I don't know what will make me happy. Unrealistically, I do - but I can't control the world or other people so there's no sense in even exploring those options. I see how people go crazy, staying in a situation that isn't fulfilling their needs, but not leaving for the sake of being secure - be it a house, job, relationship, or whatever. But how do you find the courage to risk it all and leave it behind for something new? Since the future is a myth, it's such a gamble that you may even GET something new - or should I say, new and improved. I'm so scared to take a leap of faith for fear that it might take me in the wrong direction. I feel like I'm on a nice solid path right now, so if I veer to the left - will I hit a dead end? It's not knowing that drives me crazy. I don't want to go crazy - but I don't want to wonder "what-if" either. I really just don't know what to do. Even if someone gave me all the money in the world, it still wouldn't fix the way I feel - that's how I know it's serious. Happiness can't be bought - neither can sanity. Although they prescribe some pretty good substitutes I hear....

So many thoughts

I don't know if I beleive in the good in people.
I wonder if my dreams are trying to tell me something.
If this lady calls me one more time asking me questions that are NOT finance related, I swear....
I wonder if I was one of the people to get an A on the accounting mid-term.
I love having no plans for the weekend...until the weekend comes and I'm bored.
I wonder if I would be a good mother.
If I could see the future, would I want to look?
Sometimes I want to change for the better, other times I just don't care.
I need to hurry up and write this book.
Was it that candy that gave me this yucky feeling?
I know she keeps showing me the cakes she made because she wants to make one for my wedding. Sorry - no.
I am so tired of nobody knowing anything at this freaking job. WTF.
Where is 5:00?

No more what ifs

It's time to stop being afraid, stop procrastinating, stop wondering - and start doing. We don't have time to wonder "what if" anymore. It would be so much better to live your life knowing you did everything you could to make yourself happy and fulfill all your hopes, dreams and desires. No one wants to look back and have regrets or wonder what would have happened if i did this or that. If it is realistic and reasonable, I say go for it. That doesn't mean just do things because you want to do them and have no regard for the people in your life - no. I mean if it ain't hurting nobody and like the song says" "If it makes you happy - then it couldn't be that bad.." (drugs, alcohol, crime and destructive or violent behavior excluded). I mean, why wait? I'm not. Not anymore. I'm doing it.

New year - new attitude.....sike!

Do you ever just like to be mean to certain people? Like you really get pleasure out of being a smart ass to them? I do. I love it. Especially when that person has already pissed you off and they don't even know you're pissed. Then they have no idea why you are being so mean to them! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I love it.

I think I mentioned it once before that it's so much easier to be mean than it is to be nice, and it still rings true as ever! I give up on being nice this month. Maybe next month with Valentine's day and all the love floating around, I might try harder. I'm on vacation for now though. People suck and they need to be told how much.

New begininngs

So the end of the year is here. Let me reflect on 2008......

- Got a new baby cousin
- Left one job
- Got a different job
- Went to Miami (again)
- Got engaged!
- Racked up hundreds of miles on my car driving up and down the east coast (well only like 4 states)

So all in all, it was a good year. What 2009 has in store, only God knows - but I'm ready. Happy new year yall.

Choices

We all have so many choices to make everyday - no wonder we're always stressed. I've tried to live by the mantra "It's not that serious", but it can't be like that ALL the time, right? I mean, I have a holistic point of view when it comes to most things - and in the big picture we live, we die and whatever is in between is up to us. Unfortunately my laid back attitude sometimes takes a break and I end up freaking out about something small, when really "it's not that serious".

My job: Yesterday for example, I made a mistake at work - wasn't that big of a deal, but I just hate doing something wrong. Why did I want to cry? I mean, I wasn't getting fired - nobody was complaining to my boss, so why did I feel like my world was about to crumble? I think I lack an emotional balance that is needed sometimes, and when I'm off balance, it's not a pretty sight. I really have to get it under control and choose when it's ok to be upset and when it's not.

My relationship: I'm newly engaged - and of course everybody knows. People at work know, and I have only been working at this particular site for 2.5 months now, so they only know what's on the surface when it comes to me. So this one lady I worked with called herself being helpful and gave me a wedding checklist and a wedding planning book. I thought that was really sweet. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I probably wouldn't need all that, so I just thanked her graciously. Then my manager, the lady, and I start talking about babies (the lady is having a baby in January). She nearly gave my manager a heart attack when she almost insinuated that I was with child (I just took over for a woman going on maternity leave, so she's hoping I'll be here for a hot minute at least). I told her to relax, I'm not having a baby yet. So the lady says "Yeah, we gotta get her another ring first! Not until AFTER the wedding." And my manager says "Well...not necessarily. Sometimes these things happen before!" And the lady says "No, I don't think she's like that - she seems like the planning type and won't let that happen." Ummm - wow. On the one hand, I was glad my manager had a realistic and modern view about the situation, and on the other hand I'm like ok...so now if I have a baby before I have a wedding, I already know how this other lady is going to look at me - thanks. When did it become ok to talk about my personal choices for my life and relationship at work? This is why I stay to myself.

My time: I have always had a selfish streak in me. I also have a very generous part of me too. Sometimes I give too much and want to do too much and who ends up suffering in the end...me. I have a full time job, I'm in school, I have family, friends and a fiance. Splitting my time between all of those areas as well as finding time to myself has been hard. I think back to when I lived alone in FL and only had a few things on my plate - those were good times. Sometimes I may have had TOO much time on my hands, but I don't know what's better - too much time to yourself, or not enough? I am looking forward to taking a vacation and relaxing. Everyday I have something to do - there's never a moment when I can say "I have nothing else I could be doing right now". Unfortunately, I don't think this will be changing any time soon. The only thing that is going away is school and that won't happen for a few more years. School will most likely be replaced by a baby - so my personal "me" time is pretty much on hold until retirement.


You know what I realized about choices though - nobody had all the answers and everybody needs to do what's best for them. For the most part, we're all good, smart people. You shouldn't beat yourself up for making a bad choice. I think that smart people do stupid things, stupid people do stupid things over and over again.