New begininngs

So the end of the year is here. Let me reflect on 2008......

- Got a new baby cousin
- Left one job
- Got a different job
- Went to Miami (again)
- Got engaged!
- Racked up hundreds of miles on my car driving up and down the east coast (well only like 4 states)

So all in all, it was a good year. What 2009 has in store, only God knows - but I'm ready. Happy new year yall.

Choices

We all have so many choices to make everyday - no wonder we're always stressed. I've tried to live by the mantra "It's not that serious", but it can't be like that ALL the time, right? I mean, I have a holistic point of view when it comes to most things - and in the big picture we live, we die and whatever is in between is up to us. Unfortunately my laid back attitude sometimes takes a break and I end up freaking out about something small, when really "it's not that serious".

My job: Yesterday for example, I made a mistake at work - wasn't that big of a deal, but I just hate doing something wrong. Why did I want to cry? I mean, I wasn't getting fired - nobody was complaining to my boss, so why did I feel like my world was about to crumble? I think I lack an emotional balance that is needed sometimes, and when I'm off balance, it's not a pretty sight. I really have to get it under control and choose when it's ok to be upset and when it's not.

My relationship: I'm newly engaged - and of course everybody knows. People at work know, and I have only been working at this particular site for 2.5 months now, so they only know what's on the surface when it comes to me. So this one lady I worked with called herself being helpful and gave me a wedding checklist and a wedding planning book. I thought that was really sweet. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I probably wouldn't need all that, so I just thanked her graciously. Then my manager, the lady, and I start talking about babies (the lady is having a baby in January). She nearly gave my manager a heart attack when she almost insinuated that I was with child (I just took over for a woman going on maternity leave, so she's hoping I'll be here for a hot minute at least). I told her to relax, I'm not having a baby yet. So the lady says "Yeah, we gotta get her another ring first! Not until AFTER the wedding." And my manager says "Well...not necessarily. Sometimes these things happen before!" And the lady says "No, I don't think she's like that - she seems like the planning type and won't let that happen." Ummm - wow. On the one hand, I was glad my manager had a realistic and modern view about the situation, and on the other hand I'm like ok...so now if I have a baby before I have a wedding, I already know how this other lady is going to look at me - thanks. When did it become ok to talk about my personal choices for my life and relationship at work? This is why I stay to myself.

My time: I have always had a selfish streak in me. I also have a very generous part of me too. Sometimes I give too much and want to do too much and who ends up suffering in the end...me. I have a full time job, I'm in school, I have family, friends and a fiance. Splitting my time between all of those areas as well as finding time to myself has been hard. I think back to when I lived alone in FL and only had a few things on my plate - those were good times. Sometimes I may have had TOO much time on my hands, but I don't know what's better - too much time to yourself, or not enough? I am looking forward to taking a vacation and relaxing. Everyday I have something to do - there's never a moment when I can say "I have nothing else I could be doing right now". Unfortunately, I don't think this will be changing any time soon. The only thing that is going away is school and that won't happen for a few more years. School will most likely be replaced by a baby - so my personal "me" time is pretty much on hold until retirement.


You know what I realized about choices though - nobody had all the answers and everybody needs to do what's best for them. For the most part, we're all good, smart people. You shouldn't beat yourself up for making a bad choice. I think that smart people do stupid things, stupid people do stupid things over and over again.

I wanna pinch their cheeks!

Old people are so cute sometimes! I love when an old person uses a young person term like in IM's or text messages and they say "LOL" or some other acronym that I never used with them for the fear that they wouldn't know WTF I was talking about. I think it's adorable. And it makes me respect them a little more - like "ok, you're not completely out-of-date!" Like when Tim Gunn was taught the phrase "Holla at cha boy" I loved when he said it! This older, white, gay, stiff man saying "Holler at ya boy!" - it's hilarious!

On the other hand, old people are NOT so cute when they try to be your friend - and they should be friends with people their own age, like closer to my parents age! Why is this man at work trying to befriend me and I'm like ewww. I mean, I know old men still think they can get it poppin with younger women (cuz some women like that) but I am not one. So this man at work keeps calling me and IM'ing me and I'm like "uuuhhhh, sir please stop." This is how our last convo went on the phone:

Me: Hell-o?
Him: Hey - yeah so I'm taking a few days off so I won't see you for awhile.
Me: Oh ok.
Him: Yeah, I need some rest. These folks in here tryna run me around all crazy.
Me: Mmhmm.
Him: Yeah, so we'll have to do lunch sometime when I get back next week.
Me: I won't be here.
Him: Ok, well when you get back then.
Me: Actually, I don't go out to lunch. I don't have time.
Him: Oh come on - you gotta make time for lunch! You can't let them work you too hard!
Me: I make time, but I bring my lunch and eat at my desk. I just don't like to go out.
Him: You mean you just don't want to go out with ME. Come on, it's just a co-worker thing!
Me: No it's not that. I just don't want to.
Him: Look, I just like hanging with cool people. I mean, it's not like that - don't you know I'm married!? And I see the ring, I ain't tryna cross no boundaries!
Me: *thinking to myself - "yeah you're married, but I bet she's not a PYT like me old perv"*
Yeah, I know I just don't want to.
Him: Ok then, I'll talk to you later.

I don't want to talk to him at all. I try to be as standoffish as I can without being outright rude, but it's about to get ugly.

Purpose Driven Life

What is your purpose in life? What motivates you to get up in the morning, go to work, do your job, stay healthy, etc.?

I read that book - A Purpose Driven Life - and it was pretty good. Living a Christian life and getting closer to God was basically the purpose it said we should have, and that's great. But I'm curious to know what some other motivating factors may be for people. I know some people have goals they want to achieve, children they want to raise, lives they want to save. I think I'm asking because I'm still looking for my purpose. Maybe that is just part of life's journey - finding your purpose; but I don't want to be 85 and wake up one day and say "OH - THAT'S what I should have been striving for my whole life!" Ya know? I kinda want to figure it out sooner than later - another day is not promised.

You know what....I love you.

Yes YOU!! My people!! I love the silent bond that the majority of us share (excluding Bill Cosby's daughter - she can't relate) with each other.

I just started a new job and without having to make an announcement in front of the whole company, it is understood that I am an woman of African-American decent. As soon as I walk down the halls, if I see another person similar to myself, there is an extra smile and "HELLO!" exchanged between us, along with the look saying "We got another one working here now!? Yes - hallelujah!" Even my people just walking down the hall past my office will take a few steps back to specifically say hey and introduce themselves. It's a shame people don't act like that outside of work :/

Nevertheless, I love it - and I love you. Keep the bond strong!

So it turns out...

I'm not as bourgie as I thought! I mean, I never thought I was completely bourgie - but the tendencies were there. After this weekend however, I think it's not so much a matter of being bourgie as it is a matter of being classy.

So on Friday I went to this club with some co-workers for a birthday celebration. A lot of people came and we had a VIP section reserved. I didn't know many of them personally, only through the job, so I tried to mingle a bit until my other friends got there. Now there were a lot of pretty girls in the group, and I've seen most of them at least once before but we don't know each other. So as soon as a couple of them walked up you could tell the feeling of entitlement that surrounded them. Now I like to give pretty ladies the benefit of the doubt and not write them off as stuck up just because they're attractive - because let's face it, I think I'm cute too but I know I'm not stuck up so I would hate for someone to think that about me. So I laughed it off and thought back to the times when I've sashayed past a long line of people to be ushered right in without having to show ID or paying an entrance fee. As much as I do enjoy that feeling, it wasn't necessary at that moment, so I didn't hate. When we got in the club, we all knew that we had VIP access, but for the time being we stayed on the first floor with everyone else and drank and socialized. The entitled girls however, didn't realize that none of us were going into the VIP area right away, so one of them almost went into the wrong VIP section just because she thought she'd rather be in VIP then to hang out with the common folk.

Anyway - as the night went on and the second floor of the club opened up, we were really getting into the groove of things and having a good time. I ended up dancing the night away, flirting and enjoying myself - I never even went to VIP once. I looked over and saw the entitled girls standing in this VIP section (that wasn't even our section) with these guys. I just laughed to myself because I thought "They'd rather chill in VIP all night with two guys they don't even know than to dance with their friends on their birthday with everyone else". Oh well - whatever floats your boat. Maybe I just like to dance more and have multiple guys buy me drinks and flirt than to be stuck in the same area with the same guys all night. I guess we're all different. I had a great time :)

The next day I had to do a favor and pick up my boyfriend's car that was parked in the downtown area of a nearby town. And I showed my true suburbanite brainwashing because when he asked me to do it my first response was "Well how am I supposed to get there?" What's worse is his response was "You can take a cab." Now we're both born and raised in big cities and it didn't even occur to us that there were other forms of public transportation, i.e. the bus, that worked just as well and for a lot less money! Then he said one of his friends could take me, but by then I realized that there was a bus stop right across the street and since I'd never taken it before in this area, it might be a nice adventure. So I did. And despite the two hour trip (which is only 15 minutes by car), the awful stench of the man next to me who had clearly been working hard all day with no deodorant, and the 300 pound woman in front of me who assaulted me with her belly and her purse - it was well worth the $1.35. And I was proud of myself that I haven't yet gone so far from my urban upbringing as to forget how to get in there and get things done with limited funds and resources.

All in all - I felt like a regular person this weekend. For awhile there, I almost forgot what it was like to not have access to the things and people that I have had for the past few years. I have been blessed enough to earn good money, have nice things, know important people and live the "good" life (well better than I did growing up anyway). I can be classy without being bourgie. See - it can be done!!!