My Indepenence, My Downfall

So I knew this was a weakness of mine, even though it seems like a strength at times. I have a problem asking for help. I know I do - I always have. I think I'm superwoman and can do any and everything by myself. Here's the problem - I really can't, and when I mess up I have no one to blame but myself. Recently at work, I was forced to do a self-assessment and realized that I am missing the mark on some of my objectives. If I would just open my freakin mouth and ask somebody instead of thinking I know it all and everything will work itself out, maybe I'd finally get that promotion I was whining about. I can't even be mad that I haven't gotten it yet - look at me, I take on all this responsibility and can't even handle what I have now - how would I handle more? So many issues would be avoided if I would just tell someone what's going on. What's wrong with me??

And this isn't a new issue, which means I am doing nothing to fix it! I remember my very first waitressing job at Applebee's, my manager stopped me in the kitchen one day and simply said "If you need help, just ask!" But I HATE asking for help!! It's a pride thing, I know it. I don't know why I can't fix it. And the funny thing is, this same attitude is part of the reason my fiance loves me. He loves that I can do things without him and don't need him for every little task. But even HE tells me to ask him for help if I need it - and I still don't usually do it.

I really have to do better. This is going to hinder me more than help me. It will take some work, but I know I have to make a change, or else I will be stuck and all I'll have is my pride to blame.

So many thoughts

I don't know if I beleive in the good in people.
I wonder if my dreams are trying to tell me something.
If this lady calls me one more time asking me questions that are NOT finance related, I swear....
I wonder if I was one of the people to get an A on the accounting mid-term.
I love having no plans for the weekend...until the weekend comes and I'm bored.
I wonder if I would be a good mother.
If I could see the future, would I want to look?
Sometimes I want to change for the better, other times I just don't care.
I need to hurry up and write this book.
Was it that candy that gave me this yucky feeling?
I know she keeps showing me the cakes she made because she wants to make one for my wedding. Sorry - no.
I am so tired of nobody knowing anything at this freaking job. WTF.
Where is 5:00?

I wanna pinch their cheeks!

Old people are so cute sometimes! I love when an old person uses a young person term like in IM's or text messages and they say "LOL" or some other acronym that I never used with them for the fear that they wouldn't know WTF I was talking about. I think it's adorable. And it makes me respect them a little more - like "ok, you're not completely out-of-date!" Like when Tim Gunn was taught the phrase "Holla at cha boy" I loved when he said it! This older, white, gay, stiff man saying "Holler at ya boy!" - it's hilarious!

On the other hand, old people are NOT so cute when they try to be your friend - and they should be friends with people their own age, like closer to my parents age! Why is this man at work trying to befriend me and I'm like ewww. I mean, I know old men still think they can get it poppin with younger women (cuz some women like that) but I am not one. So this man at work keeps calling me and IM'ing me and I'm like "uuuhhhh, sir please stop." This is how our last convo went on the phone:

Me: Hell-o?
Him: Hey - yeah so I'm taking a few days off so I won't see you for awhile.
Me: Oh ok.
Him: Yeah, I need some rest. These folks in here tryna run me around all crazy.
Me: Mmhmm.
Him: Yeah, so we'll have to do lunch sometime when I get back next week.
Me: I won't be here.
Him: Ok, well when you get back then.
Me: Actually, I don't go out to lunch. I don't have time.
Him: Oh come on - you gotta make time for lunch! You can't let them work you too hard!
Me: I make time, but I bring my lunch and eat at my desk. I just don't like to go out.
Him: You mean you just don't want to go out with ME. Come on, it's just a co-worker thing!
Me: No it's not that. I just don't want to.
Him: Look, I just like hanging with cool people. I mean, it's not like that - don't you know I'm married!? And I see the ring, I ain't tryna cross no boundaries!
Me: *thinking to myself - "yeah you're married, but I bet she's not a PYT like me old perv"*
Yeah, I know I just don't want to.
Him: Ok then, I'll talk to you later.

I don't want to talk to him at all. I try to be as standoffish as I can without being outright rude, but it's about to get ugly.

You know what....I love you.

Yes YOU!! My people!! I love the silent bond that the majority of us share (excluding Bill Cosby's daughter - she can't relate) with each other.

I just started a new job and without having to make an announcement in front of the whole company, it is understood that I am an woman of African-American decent. As soon as I walk down the halls, if I see another person similar to myself, there is an extra smile and "HELLO!" exchanged between us, along with the look saying "We got another one working here now!? Yes - hallelujah!" Even my people just walking down the hall past my office will take a few steps back to specifically say hey and introduce themselves. It's a shame people don't act like that outside of work :/

Nevertheless, I love it - and I love you. Keep the bond strong!

In-security

For the first time in a long time, I am feeling really, really insecure. Not in terms of looks or money or relationships - they're all great! :) But in terms of my mental capabilities and intelligence.

At work and in school, all of a sudden I need constant reassurance that I am doing a fantastic job. I think it wouldn't be as much of an issue if I was alright with being mediocre, but I'm really not (well not all the time). Suddenly I feel the need to be better - the best at everything I do at work and in school. With school its easy - do the work, get a grade and you know how well you're doing. With work it's not as simple, which is probably where the frustration comes into play.

Seeing as how I have been out of school for 5 years and working comfortably, I guess I got comfortable just moving along at a constant pace; not really too pressed on competing, honestly. I was secure in my position at work because I knew I was pretty good at what I did. Now, there are new challenges being passed my way, and I'm excited about taking them on, but the pressure to step up and perform has me a little anxious. I HATE to fail! I am never one to back down from something I think I will succeed at, so the pressure I put on myself is sometimes too much to handle, and it drives me a little crazy. I know I don't have to be perfect, I really do know this....but I can't help but to try. It's an illness.

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but I'm starting to re-evaluate my self-image. When did I become this way? Why do praise and perfect scores give me SO much pleasure and glee? I mean, of course I should be happy when I do well - that's fine. But when I don't do so well, I am SO hard on myself and it's my own fault. Nobody else cares as much and I'm really not letting anyone else down, but I take it so hard. I know I need to stop. I know I won't though. Maybe if I realize that making mistakes is part of the experience and you can only learn from that, it's not always as bad as it seems at the time. The problem is, I already know that and it still doesn't matter to me.

You know what the problem is - and this is a whole separate blog, so I'll just touch on it for a sec - it's my excessive personality disorder. I go to extremes; I either care too much, or not at all. I always go from one extreme to another with no time to find the middle ground. Maybe if I start working on that, everything else will fall into place. I just have to care enough to try and fix it.

Whatchu say?

I know you can't talk to people any old type of way - but dammit if I don't want to sometimes. See, this is why I need to be the owner of something - then I'd be running ish and nobody could complain. I mean, it probably has something to do with the way I woke up this morning (by having the covers yanked off me) and the fact that I'm not a morning person as it is, and I'm sleepy - what was I getting at.....oh yeah, talking to people.

So this man (my customer at work) left a message on the phone about some issue he has and he needs me to explain some things. I want to call him up with all the attitude in the world and just say "Now - what's the problem?" but I know that's not how I'm supposed to handle it. I'm glad he left a message and didn't call me at 6:45 like he does on other mornings (grrrrrr). But I still may have to wait until at least 10:00 am to return the phone call - cuz I don't know how much I can mask my irritation at his request. And yes, this is my job - but I swear I hate having to explain what seems like simple math to people every two seconds.

I actually tried that smiling when you answer the phone thing, and it does work - but I just don't even feel like it right now. Maybe I need some food. Let me get a snack and then I'll call him back. Let's hope I don't get fired.

Nothing personal....it's just business

I swear - the corporate world gets ahold of you and it's like a death trap! It's all a money game and you gotta know how to play or else you will lose. Not just money though, politics too. I've never liked politics, but I do like to have money - which is where the conflict of interest comes into play; do I go for the promotion and act like I care to get more money - or do I stay where I am and continue to walk the original path I laid out for myself when I started here?

When I worked out the calcuations I think I started drooling at the thought of getting a raise - but when I thought about what baggage comes along with it, I have to step back and try to see the whole picture. What is the best move for my "career"? And I say "carrer" because it's really a job to me - not a career, only because I can't see myself doing this long term. It's all for the love of the dough right? Ugh. And once you get further up the corporate ladder, it's a long hard fall back down to what I like to call the "real" world. It gets so much harder to make a career change once you set up a particular lifestyle for yourself which is based on that good ole' corpoate salary. Unless you manage to save up enough cushion funds to support if you take a pay cut from a career change, you are stuck!

What's a girl to do?

CAFFEINE!!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T KNOW IF CAFFEINE REALLY HAS THE EFFECT THAT PEOPLE THINK, BUT I KNOW I AM TYPING REALLY REALLY FAST RIGHT NOW!!!

Ok, so I was almost dead to the world this morning. I was SOOO tired! I don't normally drink coffee, but it does tend to wake me up. I don't know if it's a psychological thing or if the caffeine rush just gives me that wide eyed look, but whatever it is - it works. Every time.

I started with Frappucino's from Starbucks, and over time moved on to actual coffee (with lots of cream a sugar though). But you know what, ever since I decided to stop using artificial sweeteners, I realize how much sweeter they are compared to real sugar, well white sugar. I have to use a whole lot more just to get the coffee to a sweet enough state for me to slurp it down.

What was my point though??? Ummm....can't remember. So anyways, I'm awake now and ready to start my day. I don't want to have to rely on coffee every day though - I have an addictive personality a little bit, so I have to watch that.

Another Friday

What is it about Friday's that just make you not want to do any work? Is it the anticipation of knowing you don't have to do any work for the next two days once this day is over? Whatever the case may be, I am SO unproductive on Friday's most of the time. I used to be able to start off good, then after about 3:00 I might as well not be here - but now, I can't even get on the good foot at 7:30am! I mean, that's kinda early to be tryna work anyway, but especially on a Friday, a rainy Friday at that. I think we should get rain days just like sick days. If it's raining, stay home in bed. I would LOVE that. I can't wait to start my own company. Nobody else would get rain days, but I would (the perks of being a CEO).

So - here I sit, blogging and listening to Beyonce instead of doing whatever it is I am supposed to be doing right now. Does anybody notice? Proboably not since they're doing the same thing. Oh well. here's to Friday's! oh great - the nosy man I work with just walked by and commented on the cartoon pic - sheesh, don't you have something to do!?

GET A F*CKING COUGH DROP!!!! GOD!!!

You know, in China they won't even let you come to work if you're sick - yup. They're smart -bad drivers- but smart. Why on earth would you come spreading your germs to all of your co-workers to make them sick and then THEY have to take time off like you should have been taking!? Ugh! She makes me so sick! (no pun intended) I think tomorrow I'm going to bring a pack of cough drops and leave them on her desk. Maybe she'll get the hint. We've been back at work what, three days so far - and she's been coughing non-stop. I mean, granted she may not feel sick, but she don't sound healthy. I swear I had bronchitis one time, but I only had coughing fits at night. But you best belive if I was coughing at work, I would not be coughing up a lung and staying at work for everyone to hear it and catch the cooties. I don't get people some times. Take care of YOU first. If you're not healthy, you aren't doing anybody any good. And if you are making everybody else sick, you are causing harm so you just suck all around. And she's not a very nice person anyway, so it's making me even more mad. I have to keep my headphones on so i don't hear the hacking and accidentaly scream out "GO THE F#CK HOME IF YOU'RE THAT SICK! LORD! GET A F*CKING COUGH DROP ALREADY!!!"