FEED ME!!!

I love to eat. And this is why America is so fat - well, not just because "I" like to eat, but a lot of us do. I don't know WHY food is so pleasing to me and a lot of other people, but IT IS!! It's like "mmm, this tastes so good and I just want it to linger on my tongue and fill up my stomach and give me feelings of pleasure". And then, if it's something bad i.e. high calorie/fat/sugar etc. then before I eat it, I'm rationlizing like "Ok - WHY CAN'T I EAT WHATEVER I WANT!? IT'S MY LIFE AND MY BODY!! IF IT MAKES ME HAPPY WHO CARES!!?? I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY!!" Yeah, I get mad. Only because I know that those few moments of bliss with me and that food, will mean even longer moments of misery with me and the mirror or me and my clothes. If I didn't care about the way I look, I swear I would eat whatever I want and just be fat. I mean, there's the health aspect of it too, but maybe because I'm generally healthy, I can't relate to that side as much. If I started to become un-healthy, then maybe I would eat better for those reasons too.

In the meantime - I struggle with food and weight. There's a quote that says "Nothing tastes as good as skinny" and while I understand that "skinny" here should be understood to mean 'a healthy weight for your body type' I am not sure how much I agree. I remember this one time when I was at work, I had on a new pair of jeans that were a size 2 (I know! I know!) and I think that's when people really noticed that I lost weight and everybody kept commenting on how skinny I looked. It felt good honestly. And I remember in that moment, I agreed with that quote. There's another time, however, when I was eating at this restaurant and the food was absolutley mouthwatering - not to mention the decadent dessert afterwards. In that moment, I didn't give two sh!ts about those size 2 jeans. But just last week, I put on a shirt that clung to my body a little too tight and showed every little buldge - and then I cared again. I REFUSE to buy bigger clothes because that just masks the issue, it doesn't solve it. I did that in college and that's why I STILL have jeans that say size 10 in my closet :(

Moderation is the key, I know this - but it's easier said than done. I have an excessive personality somewhat, and I overdo it sometimes. I can't just have ONE! I am learning though, and I am disciplined, so I will get through this and hopefully live a healthy lifestyle forever - but I feel like a food addict on some one-day-at-a-time steeze. *Sigh* I mean, if that's what it takes then so be it - but what I wouldn't give to just eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and stay the same size forever. I guess we all have dreams. I think I would even give up sex if I could eat anything and not gain weight - yes, it's that serious. Sex is good, but food is better. Sorry fellas.

Pray for My Soul!!!!

PMS is a muthafukka.

Anybody who thinks this shit ain't real is kidding themselves. I won't get into details about my symptoms, let's just say I'm finally at a point in my life where I can recognize the cause of my problems and address it accordingly.

This morning, I was in a fine mood. Then I came into work and started walking up the stairs. A man came in the stairwell after me and I can't even tell you how angry I got because he was too close behind me (and he was like a whole flight of stairs away). He was taking the steps two at a time so he was catching up pretty quick and I just wanted to turn around and shove my heel in his face so he could fall back down to the bottom and get away from me. But I knew what was bothering me and that I was overreacting, so after he said "good morning" I just replied and kept it moving. I was still irritated though.

And then, I wanted to let the bitch in me loose on this other man who pushes my buttons on a constant basis (and now I think he does it on purpose) when he commented on my breakfast and how I must be eating right and working out because there's a man in my life. LAWD! On a NORMAL day this would piss me off beyond belief, so you KNOW I was heated when he said that. I think I told him to get away and left it at that because he's my superior at work and an elder so I tried not to be too disrespectful, but maaaaan! And when he asked to see the pictures I was looking at online I told him no and closed the website. Not today sir, not to-day. He has a wife and two daughters, he should know better.

On another unrelated note, I HATE when people comment on my food or money. It really irritates me. Talk about my clothes, my friends, my family, my house, my car - heck, even me HAIR (if you're black or black-ish) but leave my food and my money alone. For some reason I take it a little more personal than anything else and I can't explain why. And PMS doesn't help the situation at all. Now it's just more intensified. Could explain why I didn't feel like being bothered at lunch yesterday and ate alone.

*sigh* The joys of womanhood. Good thing I can handle it.

I'm glad

Ok, so this is like a continuation from the last post (and yes I have other stuff to talk about, but I don't feel like it right now).

Anyway. I think Jennifer Lopez (or whoever wrote this song) said it best.....

Baby when I think about
The day that we first met (the day that we first met)
Wasn't lookin for what I found
But I found you
And I'm bound to find happiness in being around you

[Chorus:]
I'm glad when I'm makin love to you
I'm glad for the way you make me feel
I love it cause you seem to blow my mind every time
I'm glad when you walk you hold my hand
I'm happy that you know how to be a man
I'm glad that you came into my life
I'm so glad

[Verse 2:]
I dig the way that you get down
(you get down for 'bout)
And you still know how to hold me
(and you still know how to hold me)
Perfect blend, masculine (can't get enough now)
I think I'm in love, damn finally

[Chorus:]
I'm glad when I'm makin love to you
I'm glad for the way you make me feel
I love it cause you seem to blow my mind every time
I'm glad when you walk you hold my hand
I'm happy that you know how to be a man
I'm glad that you came into my life
I'm so glad

[Bridge:]
I'm glad that you turned out to be
That certain someone special
who makes this life worth living
I'm glad you're here just loving
So say that you won't leave
Cause since the day you came
I've been glad

[Chorus:]
I'm glad when I'm makin love to you
I'm glad for the way you make me feel
I love it cause you seem to blow my mind every time
I'm glad when you walk you hold my hand
I'm happy that you know how to be a man
I'm glad that you came into my life
I'm so glad

*sigh*

Well I guess I can't fight it anymore.

I was trying and trying to keep it from happening, but it's too strong.

I'm still holding on tight, but I'm slowly losing my grip.

Part of me wants to just let go and just BE - but another part of me is saying "Nuh uh girl, keep it together! We all we got!"

What will happen if I do, huh?

I remember a fortune cookie saying "You'll never know what you can do unless you try." It's so true.

I mean, if things don't work out as planned, I'll survive - I guess.

I just didn't want to put myself through the fire again.

You can't really live life if you're guarded all the time though.

Maybe it's time to put down my shield, just a little.

A friend told me recently that I'm basically living a lie. She didn't say it quite like that though.

I guess she was right. I don't wanna be a liar anymore.

Ok.

Here we go - I'm letting go.......

How's that song go....Cuidado Con mi corazon - yeah negro, take heed or feel the wrath.

Another Friday

What is it about Friday's that just make you not want to do any work? Is it the anticipation of knowing you don't have to do any work for the next two days once this day is over? Whatever the case may be, I am SO unproductive on Friday's most of the time. I used to be able to start off good, then after about 3:00 I might as well not be here - but now, I can't even get on the good foot at 7:30am! I mean, that's kinda early to be tryna work anyway, but especially on a Friday, a rainy Friday at that. I think we should get rain days just like sick days. If it's raining, stay home in bed. I would LOVE that. I can't wait to start my own company. Nobody else would get rain days, but I would (the perks of being a CEO).

So - here I sit, blogging and listening to Beyonce instead of doing whatever it is I am supposed to be doing right now. Does anybody notice? Proboably not since they're doing the same thing. Oh well. here's to Friday's! oh great - the nosy man I work with just walked by and commented on the cartoon pic - sheesh, don't you have something to do!?

Here we go again

I remember when I was around 19, there was a period in my life where it seemed like everything I could possibly want was coming to me without hesitation. I remember a day when things just seemed TOO perfect and it scared me. I guess I'm always bracing myself for when something goes wrong and drama happens or there's turmoil. Now don't get me wrong, out of 25 years I haven't had many drama filled moments, but I always expect it. When I was in 11th grade I first started to notice that nothing bad has ever really happened in my life and it worried me. I felt like I lived in a protective bubble and nothing could touch me. It left me feeling paranoid because I wondered if something bad DID happen, how would I handle it since I've never had to go through too much in the past?

Now I'm at that point again. I feel like everything is going so great and I'm worried. At any moment everything I have and love can be taken away from me, and I don't want to take anything for granted. How can I show my appreciation for all of my blessings? What can I do to feel like I'm really aware and thankful for all the good things in my life? I don't know, but I'll continue to thank God every night and pray that the blessings continue. I will also try to share my belssings with those around me. That's all i can think of. And even if everything just disappeared one day - I know that I appreciated what I had.