I be strokin'!

OK, so I used to be kinda full of myself. Not in a horrible, outlandish way - but more so in the it's all about me, pay me some attention, don't worry about you or anybody else kind of way. You know? I mean, I basically didn't have any self-esteem issues (and still don't - *does the cute girl dance* heeey!) but I have grown and become more thoughtful and tranquil in my need for love and attention.

I do know how to stroke an ego though - since I used to love having mine stroked. I don't enjoy it as much now - although a little stroke from time to time is still cool. I, however, can stroke with the best of them. Call it what you want: ego stroking, gassing up, blowing your head up, or even complimenting - it's all the same. Saying something positive to make someone feel good about themselves. I can only do this about 40% of the time though. Most of the time I just don't feel like it. That's probably that selfish part of me that just won't go away. The other 60% of the time though - I would say only about half of that is sincere.

Because I am a former attention addict, I can tell when somebody else is looking for that rush. As a reformed addict, I don't like to condone that behavior, but I know that everybody is not as advanced as me in that field, so I do have to give in at times just so they get their fix. Those other times though....you ain't getting anything but tough love from me. I won't soothe and appease you just so you feel better. get it somewhere else - sorry.

There was really no point of this post. I just wanted some attention - hahaha!!!

CAFFEINE!!!!!!!!!!

I DON'T KNOW IF CAFFEINE REALLY HAS THE EFFECT THAT PEOPLE THINK, BUT I KNOW I AM TYPING REALLY REALLY FAST RIGHT NOW!!!

Ok, so I was almost dead to the world this morning. I was SOOO tired! I don't normally drink coffee, but it does tend to wake me up. I don't know if it's a psychological thing or if the caffeine rush just gives me that wide eyed look, but whatever it is - it works. Every time.

I started with Frappucino's from Starbucks, and over time moved on to actual coffee (with lots of cream a sugar though). But you know what, ever since I decided to stop using artificial sweeteners, I realize how much sweeter they are compared to real sugar, well white sugar. I have to use a whole lot more just to get the coffee to a sweet enough state for me to slurp it down.

What was my point though??? Ummm....can't remember. So anyways, I'm awake now and ready to start my day. I don't want to have to rely on coffee every day though - I have an addictive personality a little bit, so I have to watch that.

F U!!

They say you can catch more bees with honey than with vinegar - but guess what.....I'm all out of honey.

I swear I would be a bitch 85% more of the time if
1.) I didn't believe in Karma and
2.) I wasn't a little bit compassionate and care about other people's feelings.

It's SO easy to be mean and it's actually harder to be nice - in my opinion. That doesn't make me a bad person - no, no, no, not at all. I just think that selfishness and asshole-ish-ness (yes I just made that word up) are natural human traits that everyone has and some people suppress it (DAMMIT! I just spilled coffee on my keyboard!!) better than others. I think I do a pretty good job of suppressing it most times; but lately I am having a bit of an issue. The evil thoughts and smart comments are coming more frequently in my head and it's getting more and more challenging to think before I let something slip out my mouth, or let a certain look come across my face. I don't want to be perceived as being a bitch - especially to certain people - because that just feeds into one of the many negative stereotypes about my people. But being sweet as pie all the time is not good either - it makes me sick actually. I guess you just have to find a balance between the two, but then people will call me bi-polar or say I have borderline personality disorder, so now what? I guess I don't have to go to extremes, and maybe it won't be as noticeable.

Ugh - I think I'm just in a bad mood for some reason. I hate when I get like this. I know I'll snap out of it - let's just hope I don't actually snap first.

How do I know?? This is how.

This is how I know I'm not racist -

I get uncomfortable and offended when people use racial slurs that are directed towards other races.

This is how I know I have a positive self image -

Even when I weighed 20 pounds more, I still thought I was cute and nobody could tell me otherwise.

This is how I know I'm not a lesbo -

Even though women are beautiful and all, the thought of one touching me in a sexual way makes my stomach hurt and turns me off completely.

This is how I know I love my friends -

Even when they make me so anrgy I see red, I want to hurry up and get over it so we can talk about something else.

This is how I know I'm not lazy -

Even when I'm on vacation, I can't sit around and do nothing ALL day, I have to get up and move around - I'm too restless.

This is how I know I'm in love -

I let him eat off my plate.

FEED ME!!!

I love to eat. And this is why America is so fat - well, not just because "I" like to eat, but a lot of us do. I don't know WHY food is so pleasing to me and a lot of other people, but IT IS!! It's like "mmm, this tastes so good and I just want it to linger on my tongue and fill up my stomach and give me feelings of pleasure". And then, if it's something bad i.e. high calorie/fat/sugar etc. then before I eat it, I'm rationlizing like "Ok - WHY CAN'T I EAT WHATEVER I WANT!? IT'S MY LIFE AND MY BODY!! IF IT MAKES ME HAPPY WHO CARES!!?? I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY!!" Yeah, I get mad. Only because I know that those few moments of bliss with me and that food, will mean even longer moments of misery with me and the mirror or me and my clothes. If I didn't care about the way I look, I swear I would eat whatever I want and just be fat. I mean, there's the health aspect of it too, but maybe because I'm generally healthy, I can't relate to that side as much. If I started to become un-healthy, then maybe I would eat better for those reasons too.

In the meantime - I struggle with food and weight. There's a quote that says "Nothing tastes as good as skinny" and while I understand that "skinny" here should be understood to mean 'a healthy weight for your body type' I am not sure how much I agree. I remember this one time when I was at work, I had on a new pair of jeans that were a size 2 (I know! I know!) and I think that's when people really noticed that I lost weight and everybody kept commenting on how skinny I looked. It felt good honestly. And I remember in that moment, I agreed with that quote. There's another time, however, when I was eating at this restaurant and the food was absolutley mouthwatering - not to mention the decadent dessert afterwards. In that moment, I didn't give two sh!ts about those size 2 jeans. But just last week, I put on a shirt that clung to my body a little too tight and showed every little buldge - and then I cared again. I REFUSE to buy bigger clothes because that just masks the issue, it doesn't solve it. I did that in college and that's why I STILL have jeans that say size 10 in my closet :(

Moderation is the key, I know this - but it's easier said than done. I have an excessive personality somewhat, and I overdo it sometimes. I can't just have ONE! I am learning though, and I am disciplined, so I will get through this and hopefully live a healthy lifestyle forever - but I feel like a food addict on some one-day-at-a-time steeze. *Sigh* I mean, if that's what it takes then so be it - but what I wouldn't give to just eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and stay the same size forever. I guess we all have dreams. I think I would even give up sex if I could eat anything and not gain weight - yes, it's that serious. Sex is good, but food is better. Sorry fellas.

Pray for My Soul!!!!

PMS is a muthafukka.

Anybody who thinks this shit ain't real is kidding themselves. I won't get into details about my symptoms, let's just say I'm finally at a point in my life where I can recognize the cause of my problems and address it accordingly.

This morning, I was in a fine mood. Then I came into work and started walking up the stairs. A man came in the stairwell after me and I can't even tell you how angry I got because he was too close behind me (and he was like a whole flight of stairs away). He was taking the steps two at a time so he was catching up pretty quick and I just wanted to turn around and shove my heel in his face so he could fall back down to the bottom and get away from me. But I knew what was bothering me and that I was overreacting, so after he said "good morning" I just replied and kept it moving. I was still irritated though.

And then, I wanted to let the bitch in me loose on this other man who pushes my buttons on a constant basis (and now I think he does it on purpose) when he commented on my breakfast and how I must be eating right and working out because there's a man in my life. LAWD! On a NORMAL day this would piss me off beyond belief, so you KNOW I was heated when he said that. I think I told him to get away and left it at that because he's my superior at work and an elder so I tried not to be too disrespectful, but maaaaan! And when he asked to see the pictures I was looking at online I told him no and closed the website. Not today sir, not to-day. He has a wife and two daughters, he should know better.

On another unrelated note, I HATE when people comment on my food or money. It really irritates me. Talk about my clothes, my friends, my family, my house, my car - heck, even me HAIR (if you're black or black-ish) but leave my food and my money alone. For some reason I take it a little more personal than anything else and I can't explain why. And PMS doesn't help the situation at all. Now it's just more intensified. Could explain why I didn't feel like being bothered at lunch yesterday and ate alone.

*sigh* The joys of womanhood. Good thing I can handle it.