B!TCH!!!

Sometimes I don't know why people even want to be my friend - or even like me. I am SUCH a bitch sometimes. And you know what, the moodiness comes and goes so I try to keep it in check and respond appropriately, which may be the only reason I still have friends, honestly.

But do you sometimes just get comfortable with who you are and not want to change? Like - I know who I am, what I am, and I'm ok with that. Yes I can be a bitch, but not 100% of the time so I'm ok with that. But I know that as human beings we are supposed to grow and evolve and become better people (or so I've heard) but right now I'm just like...nah, I'm good right here.

The truth of the matter is, I am my first best friend and sometimes I just want to spend time alone. Not all the time, but when I need it - it's like REALLY important that I get it. So I get frustrated when people end up imposing, but they don't even know it. And I know it's easy to say "I'd just like to be alone right now." But sometimes people take it personally, then they get all emotional and shut down the next time you're ready to spend time with them again. Maybe I'm not giving people the benefit of the doubt, but it happens.

Now don't get me wrong, I SO appreciate the fact that I have people in my life that I CAN spend time with and talk to and care about - but sometimes I feel smothered by the slightest action - like a text message or some small request. Maybe it's just cuz I'm about to get my period and everything is getting on my nerves - yeah that might play a part. Ignore me, please.

My Indepenence, My Downfall

So I knew this was a weakness of mine, even though it seems like a strength at times. I have a problem asking for help. I know I do - I always have. I think I'm superwoman and can do any and everything by myself. Here's the problem - I really can't, and when I mess up I have no one to blame but myself. Recently at work, I was forced to do a self-assessment and realized that I am missing the mark on some of my objectives. If I would just open my freakin mouth and ask somebody instead of thinking I know it all and everything will work itself out, maybe I'd finally get that promotion I was whining about. I can't even be mad that I haven't gotten it yet - look at me, I take on all this responsibility and can't even handle what I have now - how would I handle more? So many issues would be avoided if I would just tell someone what's going on. What's wrong with me??

And this isn't a new issue, which means I am doing nothing to fix it! I remember my very first waitressing job at Applebee's, my manager stopped me in the kitchen one day and simply said "If you need help, just ask!" But I HATE asking for help!! It's a pride thing, I know it. I don't know why I can't fix it. And the funny thing is, this same attitude is part of the reason my fiance loves me. He loves that I can do things without him and don't need him for every little task. But even HE tells me to ask him for help if I need it - and I still don't usually do it.

I really have to do better. This is going to hinder me more than help me. It will take some work, but I know I have to make a change, or else I will be stuck and all I'll have is my pride to blame.

Sad Face

I'm not happy. I haven't been for a while now. Realistically, I don't know what will make me happy. Unrealistically, I do - but I can't control the world or other people so there's no sense in even exploring those options. I see how people go crazy, staying in a situation that isn't fulfilling their needs, but not leaving for the sake of being secure - be it a house, job, relationship, or whatever. But how do you find the courage to risk it all and leave it behind for something new? Since the future is a myth, it's such a gamble that you may even GET something new - or should I say, new and improved. I'm so scared to take a leap of faith for fear that it might take me in the wrong direction. I feel like I'm on a nice solid path right now, so if I veer to the left - will I hit a dead end? It's not knowing that drives me crazy. I don't want to go crazy - but I don't want to wonder "what-if" either. I really just don't know what to do. Even if someone gave me all the money in the world, it still wouldn't fix the way I feel - that's how I know it's serious. Happiness can't be bought - neither can sanity. Although they prescribe some pretty good substitutes I hear....

So many thoughts

I don't know if I beleive in the good in people.
I wonder if my dreams are trying to tell me something.
If this lady calls me one more time asking me questions that are NOT finance related, I swear....
I wonder if I was one of the people to get an A on the accounting mid-term.
I love having no plans for the weekend...until the weekend comes and I'm bored.
I wonder if I would be a good mother.
If I could see the future, would I want to look?
Sometimes I want to change for the better, other times I just don't care.
I need to hurry up and write this book.
Was it that candy that gave me this yucky feeling?
I know she keeps showing me the cakes she made because she wants to make one for my wedding. Sorry - no.
I am so tired of nobody knowing anything at this freaking job. WTF.
Where is 5:00?

No more what ifs

It's time to stop being afraid, stop procrastinating, stop wondering - and start doing. We don't have time to wonder "what if" anymore. It would be so much better to live your life knowing you did everything you could to make yourself happy and fulfill all your hopes, dreams and desires. No one wants to look back and have regrets or wonder what would have happened if i did this or that. If it is realistic and reasonable, I say go for it. That doesn't mean just do things because you want to do them and have no regard for the people in your life - no. I mean if it ain't hurting nobody and like the song says" "If it makes you happy - then it couldn't be that bad.." (drugs, alcohol, crime and destructive or violent behavior excluded). I mean, why wait? I'm not. Not anymore. I'm doing it.

New year - new attitude.....sike!

Do you ever just like to be mean to certain people? Like you really get pleasure out of being a smart ass to them? I do. I love it. Especially when that person has already pissed you off and they don't even know you're pissed. Then they have no idea why you are being so mean to them! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I love it.

I think I mentioned it once before that it's so much easier to be mean than it is to be nice, and it still rings true as ever! I give up on being nice this month. Maybe next month with Valentine's day and all the love floating around, I might try harder. I'm on vacation for now though. People suck and they need to be told how much.