Ice Queen

I think I'm numb. It must be a survival instinct or something. Sometimes I just don't feel ANYTHING. And I'm starting to feel like this blog is full of depressing posts, but oh well. Maybe things will pick up in the next few months or so.

Anyway, yeah so I'm numb. I used to think that I could turn it on and off depending on the situation, but now I'm starting to think it's not all under my control. Like, sometimes I want to feel something, and I try to force it and fake it, but it's really just not there. It scares me a little - the fact that I can be so detached from my emotions when I KNOW that I am a naturally comapssionate and sensitive person most of the time. Sometimes I have to check myself and make sure I'm not suffering from depression. I used to think that depression meant I would be moping around and sad all the time, but now I know that it can manifest itself in many ways. I don't think that's what this is right now though. I think it's my emotions taking a back seat so that I don't blackout on somebody (if you know what I mean). So maybe I should thank my emotions for knowing when to chill out. Thanks :)

P.S. - Babyface is absolutely wonderful. I forgot how great his songs were. Just thought I'd mention that.

Rush, rush, rush

When I was a waitress for the first time, I had my evaluation with the manager after awhile of being there and he said that sometimes I lacked a sense of urgency. I thought to myslef "well yeah, cuz I don't care that much. They'll get it when it's ready." And you know what, I feel that way about most things (unless it comes to MY food, or anything that has to do with satisfying me, then I want it yesterday and now is not soon enough). But even with the job I have now, it's like "Chill - it will get done, just relax!" I just don't feel the need to rush things at work.

Now sometimes I do get a burst of energy and I'm under pressure so it's exciting to run around trying to get work done - but that's not the norm at my job. I'm glad I changed my mind about being an investment banker - you can't be so laid back when it comes to millions of dollars of people's money. I decided yesterday that I want a profession that is all about making people feel good and enjoy life. Like a spa or something, but with a more upbeat feel. That's why I want to open a restaurant/lounge - I want people to have fun and enjoy themselves like I do! Eating, drinking and dancing are my favorite things to do outside of the house (oh can't forget shopping).

So come on everybody - let's eat, drink and be merry! And for heavens sake, slow down and enjoy life - what's the hurry?

Conflict and Compromise

These are two things that are present in most relationships. The question is, how balanced are they? It's never good for there to be more of one than the other and definitely not coming from one person more than another. I personally think that you haven't truly bonded with a person until you've had your first fight, and made up. I can't even really call you a good friend until we've fought at least one time.

I am a very non-confrontational person. I absolutely HATE to argue. It just makes me uneasy. Now don't take that to mean that I'm passive - no no no. If there is something I feel strongly enough about, I will argue my point when necessary - but most times I like to find a resolution to the problem without anger and frustration. That's what bothers me. I like to discuss things like two (or however many) rational people - not a bunch of screaming idiots.

My question is, when there is conflict and you want to come to some sort of compromise, but you and the other person are so extremely opposed to each other's solution, how much compromise can be made? Any compromise would leave the other person feeling like they lost out, and that's never a good feeling. It's one thing to do something to make someone else happy because you care about them, but making someone else happy at the expense of your own happiness is something I just can't condone and I never will (unless it's like your kid or something, then there are exceptions). You know what I'm saying though? Like, how much can you give in before you feel like you gave up and lost?

Pieces of me

I love that song by Ashlee Simpson.

There are many peices of me and unless you've spent every moment of my life with me, you will never see them all. I'm sitting here listening to my ipod at work and a song came on that made me happy. I had this goofy smile on my face and started bopping in my seat. I just had to laugh at how silly I looked. This is why I'm my own best friend (and my own worst enemy) cuz I can act any way I want to without having to explain myself or apologizing for my actions.

I can be silly.

I can be snotty.

I can be sensitive.

I can be a bitch.

I can be soft.

I can be hard.

I can be innocent.

I can be evil.

I can be anything I want to be at any moment.

I don't like to show all the good parts to everyone all the time, because I hate it when people fall in love with me. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. My tolerance for people is not very high, so I like to keep most people at a comfrotable distance. If I show them my goods, they want to be around me all the time and I'm too tempermental for all that. I love my close friends and family, but that's all I have room for - sorry. But who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll feel different.

Fear Factor

No, not the show. But what's your biggest fear? I'll tell you mine. Not sky diving (I plan on doing that for one of my birthday's Lord willing), or bugs (although I HATE them, yuck) - it's being unhappy. That is my biggest fear. I think that explains so much about my personality.

I am indecisive, non-confrontational and slightly self-absorbed - but all of these are basically because I just want to be happy.

I have trouble making decisions because I am afraid of making the wrong one and not being happy.

I hate conflict because it makes people angry and I just want everyone to get along and be happy.

I am slightly self-absorbed because I hate relying on anybody else to do anything for me thereby giving them the opportunity to disappoint me and do what....that's right, make me unhappy.

See the pattern? I am kinda pessimistic because I feel like if I keep my expectations low, there is less room for me to be let down. With everything I do, that fear is always in the back of my mind. With friends, family, men, food, shopping - EVERYTHING. I HATE being unhappy. Well, then again who likes to be miserable? It's just that I am a very emotional and sensitive person, so when I feel something, most of the time I feel it very deeply. I often distance myself in order to not feel things so strongly, or else it will take over my whole being! Ok, that's kinda extreme - but I do feel deep. That's why unhappiness doesn't just come and go. It lingers and manifests itself into my daily activites, no matter what the source. So, please bear with me when I can't make up my mind, or try to be the peace keeper, or even when I'm acting like a spoiled little bitch. I just want to be happy!

Something's not right.

You ever have one of those days, where it seems like something is wrong but you don't know what? Yeah, well that's today. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something is off. I can speculate as to what the cause of this uneasiness is, but I really don't know.

Is it work? Hormones? Family? Friends? Lover(s)? - Just kidding, there's only one. I really don't know.

Maybe the lady at work put something in the brownies she made today. I knew I shouldn't have eaten it - I don't even like nuts.

I hope it passes. I just want to have an easy day - I don't need this mess.